Doctrine and Covenants 38:30
Remember that Seminary scripture?
I, of course, only remembered the last phrase, "if ye are prepared ye shall not fear."
I've been thinking about this for a while. Very often we try to imagine worst-case scenarios so we'll "be prepared." As if, somehow, having imagined something terrible before it happens will make it less terrible when it becomes reality.
I am just not sure that's true. For example, when we lose someone we love, even if we have considered the possibility before -- even if we have known it's going to happen -- the loss still hurts.
When my mom's dad passed away in the spring of 1999, it had been coming for five years. He had Parkinson's and a head injury, and we all knew his death was a blessing for him. Still, on the day I heard the news, I drove home from work along 7th East in South Salt Lake and realized for the first time that I do the same kind of work he did -- he was a long-time reporter for the Deseret News and the Church News -- and I felt a big, gaping hole right in the middle of me, and I sobbed big, wracking sobs. Frankly, I'm surprised I made it home safely.
Maybe it really would have been more painful if Grandpa had died suddenly -- for example, if the accident in 1994 that made everything go so far downhill had taken his life instead of just injuring his brain. I can't say what would have been. I'll confess that.
But let me bring this into the present. Right now I feel like some people want me to be prepared for the worst with Z -- for her to go back to her mom. I don't want to dwell on that. I want to be able to have some faith that God will find a way to keep her with us. I don't want to risk falling into fear. I don't want these chicken-crap prayers about "whatever is best for the baby." I want to envision the best possible outcome. I want to believe that's possible.
It is really hard work to do that. Because all the information I am getting tells me to be afraid. This is a scary situation. There are no two ways about that.
And I am not sure that what I am trying to do is really faith. As we tried to conceive biological kids -- years ago now -- I came to feel that faith is not about knowing the future; it is about trusting God and His plan for our lives. I still don't trust this positive-thinking, envisioning business as much beyond magical thinking, clap your hands and make Tinkerbell come back to life.
But I don't know what else I can even try to do. And what if? What if it is really true that the power of my mind can make a difference? What if I really do have some power and some say, not just a choice whether to submit or not? I wouldn't want to screw that up.
If we lose Z, it is going to flatten me, no matter how much I've tried to prepare. So maybe I can just try the opposite.
If only I could get all the professional type people to quit trying to bust my pixie dust bubble.