Friday, February 16, 2007

Z update

It's been pointed out to me that I did not ever share what happened with the Feb. 6 court date. Oops, sorry. But mainly I never shared because nothing ever happened.

They trailed the hearing until Feb. 28. Our social worker does not think the DNA test results will be back by then, so it's likely to be delayed even further.

S (Z's mom, whom I still want to call birthmom, if not meth mommy) asked the social worker if she would recommend placing Z with the alleged paternal birth aunt. How is that for a convoluted relationship? The social worker said she told S that Z is being very well cared for and if Z were her daughter she would not mess with it. That was nice. So maybe S will not press for that particular placement. We'll see.

The creepy news is that some of the moms in the inpatient rehab center where S is right now actually have their children with them. S wants to have Z with her there. Well, of course she does. But I would think that the system would be a little wary of someone who has a demonstrated meth addiction to the point where she has already lost four children because of it. Have I mentioned that? Yeah. I would think they would maybe want her to prove that she can stay clean in a normal environment before they trust her with a child.

I'll say it again: I like S. I wish the best for her. She is in fact doing really well. She got a job working in a rest home as a CNA. (Sal pointed out the irony of that ... yeah, it makes me think twice about rest homes.) I am glad for S; it's a good step for her. But I don't trust her any further than the end of Z's baby toes.

She says she wants to stay in the rehab center for a year. That is a long time. Which has caused me to think, can I be in this for that long if I am going to be heartbroken at the end? Or would I rather have Z go to the alleged paternal aunt and try to get over her and move on to a baby I can keep?

That is really not an easy question because I really do want a child who will be with us forever.

But I have decided I love Z enough that I will be her backup. If that is all I can be for her, then I will be that. And I will treasure every day when she smiles up at me from the changing table in the morning, so happy to greet the morning. And every moment when she so earnestly coos out her deepest thoughts and gurgles whatever it is she is trying to hard to communicate to me. Every exhausted cuddle and frustrated cry.

It has also made me think really seriously that there is no guarantee with any of our kids, that we will have them here with us tomorrow. My amazing friend K who I work with in Young Women lost her 11 year old son in a car accident 20 years ago. She talks frequently about him. I think she is what she is -- a spiritual giantess, really -- because of that loss. I know she never expected it. Any one of us can be blindsided by things like that. We don't like to consider the possibility. But it's there.

Having Z is kind of like having a child with a life-threatening illness. It is hard knowing that she could go. It is challenging to continue to hope that she will stay.

Because of her I have thought more about the preciousness of every moment with my family. I am trying harder to let the little things go. So S wants to wear the same clothes to school today that he wore to school yesterday ... okay, I do not need to draw a line in the sand over that. So A is whining and crying again ... I will try to comfort him instead of sending him away. So G is doing one more stupid little thing that annoys me ... I can let it go.

Just another way Baby Z is a miracle and a blessing in our family.


Victoria said...

Thank you for the update and I really enjoyed your words, I hope you do find comfort in all of this unknown. Hang in there. {{{HUGS}}}

Kari said...

Just another reason I love you, Ana Banana!! You are amazing to be able to care for Z knowing that after a long (or short) time, you may have to let her go!!

Thanks for being such an inspiration!

SalGal said...

Hey! Only I get to call you Banana! ;)

You really do amaze me. We are all better for knowing you.

Julie P said...

You are a rock star, and had me in tears with that post, and that unconditional love you have for that sweet baby girl. What a blessing you have been for her, and hopefully will continue to be for eternity.

Essy said...

I really believe that God put this child in your life for a reason. We may not know the outcome of this, but He does. Your attitude about this is right on. All we have is this moment, right now...enjoy it!

Anne/2rosebud said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anne/2rosebud said...

I've been wondering how things with Z have been going. You are doing sooo well! You have the most amazing attitude, and although we don't know the outcome yet, you are giving this little girl exactly what she needs, at exactly the right moment.

Continued hugs and prayers for your family!

Bek said...

You inspire me and make me want to be more like you. It is a brave, brave thing you are doing.

I will keep praying that S gets better AND that you get to keep Z...funny how both things can't happen. Not fair.

Tandy said...

Ana - I love, love, love this post. You are an amazing woman. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with us. I am inspired by you.


Anonymous said...

Why would you want to call her Meth Mommy or Birthmom? I am confused because you claim to be a Christian on your blog but you just sound all mean and angry.

Sounds like you don't want her to get better.

What's an alleged Aunt?

You moromons have a very interesting way of talking.

Ana said...

Anonymous, ouch. I am trying to be very open here with what I feel. This is not an easy process. Maybe I can help you understand and then you will be a little less critical. I hope.

Sometimes I do not feel very charitable toward the person who exposed this darling baby to horrible poison for nine months, to the point where she had seeping blisters when she was just a few days old as her little body got rid of all the toxins in her system. That is the time and place that the "meth mommy" thing came from. Just because I believe in forgiveness, does not make it easy to do. But I am trying and I am getting better. Now that I have met and talked to S I really do not think of her that way anymore.

Birthmom is something that is deeply ingrained in my mind since I have adopted my older two boys from birthmoms who chose to place them in our family. It is just the way I think of things. I have to constantly remind myself that S is still Z's mom, not me. It's hard because I love Z so much. I feel like her mom.

The alleged aunt is the sister of a man who might or might not be Z's biological father.

Hope that answers your questions. Please be nice. My heart is wide open on this blog. I have a lot of trust that people will be kind.

Kristine said...

Thank you for sharing your heart so openly with us. I am amazed at the depth of growth you have already experienced, and appreciate you sharing your honest, heartfelt feelings with us.
You have chosen to walk a road that is full of potential difficulties and pitfalls, but have also put your trust in the Savior to help you through whatever may come.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family more often than you know.
Thanks for sharing your feelings honestly with's what makes your posts so moving and influential.
With love,

Anonymous said...

So the mother suffers from the terrible disease of addiction for which there is no cure. Would it be Christian to hate her if she had say, Cancer?

Didn't you say she was doing rehad and trying to stay clean and had a job? Good for her. It sounds like she could use some support.

Fighting the disease of addiction can't be easy.

It's not too late to have a change of heart and try to extend a bit of love for this poor woman. It sounds like she could use a few sisters in her corner.

What would Jesus do?

Ana said...

Anonymous, I appreciate your concern for S. I feel like if you had been reading for a while instead of coming in and making comments out of the blue without even introducing yourself, you would see that I have been trying really hard to get over my issues with her. Of course I think Jesus would help and forgive her, and that is what I am trying to do, as much as is appropriate considering my situation as the legal guardian of her child and my strong feeling that it would not be safe for my family to let her all the way into our life.

Of course, it was also Jesus who said it would be better for the person who hurt a little child to have a millstone hung around their neck. My first responsibility is for the safety and well-being of a little person who has no say in the matter for herself. And that is why I say I don't trust S.

Heidi said...

Wow! What a stinking mess w/ that anon person!! The poor ignoramous doesn't understand that taking meth is a choice and getting cancer is not...perhaps your little anon troll had a meth mommy herself? Whatever it is, she certainly needs to dive deep within herself and let those angry emotions that control her life go - because it's so clear that she's letting this hate and hurt and anger eat her up like a cancer itself. I bet she's a nice person under all those layers of onion!!