It's been pointed out to me that I did not ever share what happened with the Feb. 6 court date. Oops, sorry. But mainly I never shared because nothing ever happened.
They trailed the hearing until Feb. 28. Our social worker does not think the DNA test results will be back by then, so it's likely to be delayed even further.
S (Z's mom, whom I still want to call birthmom, if not meth mommy) asked the social worker if she would recommend placing Z with the alleged paternal birth aunt. How is that for a convoluted relationship? The social worker said she told S that Z is being very well cared for and if Z were her daughter she would not mess with it. That was nice. So maybe S will not press for that particular placement. We'll see.
The creepy news is that some of the moms in the inpatient rehab center where S is right now actually have their children with them. S wants to have Z with her there. Well, of course she does. But I would think that the system would be a little wary of someone who has a demonstrated meth addiction to the point where she has already lost four children because of it. Have I mentioned that? Yeah. I would think they would maybe want her to prove that she can stay clean in a normal environment before they trust her with a child.
I'll say it again: I like S. I wish the best for her. She is in fact doing really well. She got a job working in a rest home as a CNA. (Sal pointed out the irony of that ... yeah, it makes me think twice about rest homes.) I am glad for S; it's a good step for her. But I don't trust her any further than the end of Z's baby toes.
She says she wants to stay in the rehab center for a year. That is a long time. Which has caused me to think, can I be in this for that long if I am going to be heartbroken at the end? Or would I rather have Z go to the alleged paternal aunt and try to get over her and move on to a baby I can keep?
That is really not an easy question because I really do want a child who will be with us forever.
But I have decided I love Z enough that I will be her backup. If that is all I can be for her, then I will be that. And I will treasure every day when she smiles up at me from the changing table in the morning, so happy to greet the morning. And every moment when she so earnestly coos out her deepest thoughts and gurgles whatever it is she is trying to hard to communicate to me. Every exhausted cuddle and frustrated cry.
It has also made me think really seriously that there is no guarantee with any of our kids, that we will have them here with us tomorrow. My amazing friend K who I work with in Young Women lost her 11 year old son in a car accident 20 years ago. She talks frequently about him. I think she is what she is -- a spiritual giantess, really -- because of that loss. I know she never expected it. Any one of us can be blindsided by things like that. We don't like to consider the possibility. But it's there.
Having Z is kind of like having a child with a life-threatening illness. It is hard knowing that she could go. It is challenging to continue to hope that she will stay.
Because of her I have thought more about the preciousness of every moment with my family. I am trying harder to let the little things go. So S wants to wear the same clothes to school today that he wore to school yesterday ... okay, I do not need to draw a line in the sand over that. So A is whining and crying again ... I will try to comfort him instead of sending him away. So G is doing one more stupid little thing that annoys me ... I can let it go.
Just another way Baby Z is a miracle and a blessing in our family.