Sunday, February 18, 2007

Change is gonna come

Only registered users can comment on Watch Out for Mama now.

I'm happy to engage in discussion. But not with people who are not brave enough to tell their own stories and give some indication of who they are.

Considering what I am putting out there, I think that's fair.


Mary Jarvis said...

I am having a really hard time understanding what is going on here. I think whoever is posting these anonymous comments may not understand that you became a foster mom with the intention to adopt a child and that there are hundreds of kids out there who need that. You are doing something very important at great risk to yourself. When a woman who is unable to take adequate care of her baby, the greatest thing she can do for it is to find a stable family who can. We all wish that S could see what a great family baby Z has right now and how much she is loved right now and would be loved all her life. How is this a bad thing?

Ana, you have made such amazing progress in your perspective of all this lately. Everyone has been so worried about you. We pray for the best thing for Z, and that all the adults who love her will come out all right too. You, your husband, her mom. . . It has to be hard for someone and obviously everyone wants for Z to bear as litttle of the brunt as possible. I really believe that your intentions are as pure as they could possibly be in this situation and I think I know you pretty well. Love you.

SalGal said...

Amen, Mary J.

Essy said...

So sorry that some people reading your story just don't get it...but I guess that's the way it will always be. The important thing for you to remember...and this is something that a social worker told me when I tended to get too sympathetic to the birth family...your primary responsibility is to the child. I'm sure there are others that have been called to care for that however were called to give your all to that precious little one and to do your best to love and protect her and you are doig a wonderful job with that. This is a job entrusted to you by both the State and God Himself.

Kate said...

Exactly, I agree with all here.

Heidi said...

Wow I didn't realize all the excitement going on in your blog! I'd love to meet your little anon friend in a dark alley & spray paint her fake fur coat & parachute pants...That's all this person is - a pseudo person. I'm glad you went to secure comment and I am sure your half-witted lurker doesn't have the cajones to sign in under a real person.

-a said...

Oh are the best....I am sorry for this are certainly entitled to all those feelings and is never black and white.....I know you only want the best for Z, and S, and certainly the best is complicated.....the problem is that time is not in Z's favor....she needs stability, something S has yet been able to prove....the risks of her instability are so great, and Z will bear the brunt of that....hugs from me.


Syd said...

Sorry for all the grief from the annon poster. They really have no idea where you are coming from, nor are they trying to. You are an amazing woman and your post from Friday the 16th brought tears to my eyes. Really, you are amazing. Z is very very lucky.

Lisa M. said...

I have caught up. It's been a while since i have been here. Geeze for stupid people.

I liked the analogy, of Z being like a child with a threatening illness.

I can very much see that. Its a good way to put it into perspective.

It's living on the edge all the time. And rude, ignorant people, who don't understand love and sacrifice, can never *get* it.

Just know that some of us.. *get* it, and we are here in the din, rooting for you.

Much affection!

Deborah said...

Where do I sign up -- I love reading your blog :)?

Deborah said...

Oh, I just need to sign in as me -- how simple! Sorry you've had to experience this drive-by blogging. Bleck.

Anne/2rosebud said...

(((((HUGS))))) I'm sooooo sorry that anon isn't getting who you are and what you're about! You're sooooo amazing and you totally have a right to protect your words from anonymous criticism.

Continued prayers and TONS of (((HUGS)))) coming your way, as always.

Bek said...

The second I post anything about adoption I get the nut job anti adoption folks (both birth moms and adoptees..) who read 5 paragraphs and feel compelled to comment. They have NO IDEA what they are talking about.

Frankly, anyone who spent more then 5 minutes reading your post, or many of mine, would see that you are a believer in adoption reform and that you don't have the Baby Gimmies and frankly I would love to just tell those people the shut the H#%% up!! Sometimes babies ARE better in other familes. Adoption is not always the worst thing in the world. Not all aparents are awful and just want to buy a baby ( just as not all bmoms are meth addicts). Sure some are, but give me a break. I want them to stop prjecting THEIR experiences onto other people. I am sorry for those that wish that they hadn't been adopted. I am sorry for people who wish they hadn't place. That is their story, this is yours. What is the most frustrating to me is that when you try and voice anything to this opinion, we get immediately labels as people who "don't understand adoption" or that "dont' want to think about the reality of adoption". Give me a break. Adoption is always about loss, but it isn't always about tradgedy. Sorry to those of you who DID find tradgedy, you story is not Anas. It is not mine.

Foster parenting is one of the most brave things someone can do. To love and nurture a child knowing that it is very likely they will go back to an environment that will not always treat them nicely, it heartbreaking. I love how you spelled it out Ana. I know that you want S's life to be better, but those of us that CHOOSE TO READ THE WHOLE STORY (get a life anon) know that she has been down this road before. We know that meth is a very, very difficult thing to kick. We also wonder how many chances one should get before SOMEONE is proactive and decides that they won't gamble with the newest life she created. It isn't an easy situation, but you are doing the best you can. Baby Gimmies... that remark is just SO far from what is actually happening.... I want to scream.

The fact of the matter is that adoption reform crazy's can cry all they want to about it, but to expect all people to want to support drug addicted or unskilled or uneducated or mentally unstable people in KEEPING their babies NO MATTER WHAT in the form of ever more social supoprt or monetary support is rediculous. There are consequences for our actions. We don't always get what. How many of the people who denounced you on that website are doing anything more to help these women keep their children besides blogging about it? How many are doing outpatient support? Volunteering? I would imagine that very, very few are.

You have been very, very honest in the fact that you wish that this would end where everyone is happy. I know you want S to get better, because if she was well and truely better, she could take Z home and parent her in the way she deserves. But, statistically, the chances of that happening are very small. You know that if S gets better, the chances of her not staying better are very high and that means that Z will be subject to things that no child should have to have. Z deserves to have a mom that is stable, a home that is safe and all the stuff that goes with that. We all know that it is unlikely that S will be able to do that, even with all the rehab in the world. There is no doubt that S loves Z. None. But Z deserves more than that.

I think that everything Mary J said is what I should have said (and it was done in a much more Christlike way than I would have said it). We are human. Of course the people who read her want YOU GUYS to be ok. They want Z to be ok. For someone one to come one here and expect us all to rejoice at the fact that she could be sent back to S is crazy. And that is why they didn't post their name. Their comment sparks great discussion but it was meaningless. It was written off.

Sorry that this was so long, I just feel very protective of you. There are many, many moms like us out there that see the flaws in the system, that have tried to be fair in how we react to other parts of the triad and it just KILLS me when the nut jobs print these spineless little jabs. They have no idea what they are talking about. I rarely talk about this stuff anymore because I can't handle the crazies.... Sorry.

Ben said...

I don't like the thoughtless rhetoric of this recent anonymous commentator. I do like the option of anonymous though. In my life I've seen the message too often obscured by the focus on the messenger. I probably would have kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to differentiate myself from the anonymous writer who wouldn’t speak up when called out on their identity, and I wanted someone to comment on Meth Mom for what she is.

Ana wants to give love. She has so much love to give that she has decided to seek out completely unknown children to receive that love. Even more so she has chosen those very children who are most in need of love. She has chosen to sacrifice the luxuries of life that she could have had in order to give to others that she doesn’t even know.

Meth Mommy is the exact opposite. MM already had children taken away. That wasn't enough to learn from. While everyone has redemption potential, MM almost certainly never will be redeemed. If losing your children isn't enough to prevent you from poisoning your future children, then there is no prevention. It is important to note that the due process being provided to MM by the courts is completely undeserving. MM deserves to have her parental rights immediately terminated. I have every confidence that the judge, social worker, and even her public defender would agree with this fact if forced to give their own personal view instead of doing their job. She isn't being provided this process because she deserves it, but instead as a stop measure to protect the rights of other parents whose rights might be wrongly trampled. She is an undeserving beneficiary of the need to protect the rights of more deserving people. She doesn't deserve any breaks of any kind. She deserves to be locked up and forcibly sterilized. Any other analysis would have to view infants as property to be dealt with under the parent’s complete discretion, rather than as individual humans with rights of there own. Also, it is easy for good parents to presume that MM wants the child because she cares for it. Reality is that she wants the child for the good feelings she gets holding it; for the love she gets rather than the love she has to give; because in the end she is selfish and cares only for herself. If she had any love for her child she would protect it by sending it away from her. She has no love for this child. I hope that MM recovers and someday becomes a good person, but an infant shouldn't have to suffer to make that happen. MM instead of sacrificing for her child is instead willing to sacrifice the health of her child for the benefit of a good high. MM doesn’t have a disease; she is not a victim; she’s not someone who made a little mistake; its her fault not the drugs fault; meth mom is a polite term considering her track record; and SHE IS A BAD BAD BAD PERSON.

In the end it isn’t a question of who deserves the baby; it’s a question of who the baby deserves. Babies deserve to be with people who will give love, not take love.

Ana said...

Ben, while I appreciate the support, I disagree with your diagnosis, and honestly when I hear the way you're using the term "meth mommy," I wish I had never said it. S doesn't deserve the things you said. Even if she did, I wouldn't want to give them to her.

Adoptive parents are not all good, but I'm trying to be good, and we're not all bad, either. I don't want to be sainted for this. I just want a baby in my family, and what you said, to love her.

Bio families are not all bad; in fact the ones I've encountered are just the opposite. They're not all good, either, but they're trying to be.

Drug use is a choice. But I've made some dumb choices in my life, too.

In future I will delete harsh comments even if they're on my side. Everybody needs to be nice. Be nice, be nice, be nice. Eat some Thai food. Watch American Idol. Be nice.