Saturday, February 17, 2007

The real worst

So, there's a blog that finds posts from adoptive families and blasts them. I'm not linking them, because I don't want to feed the fire. (Although I'll thank them for the traffic ... haha!) I'm accused there of "wishing for the worst," hoping that S stays addicted and we keep Z.

Obviously they skimmed one post of mine and made that judgement. Anybody who knows my story knows that is not the case. They're just wrong about that. If you came here from that blog, make up your own mind.

I want to say, though, that I think that would not be the worst thing that could happen. It would be the worst for S, yes. But she is not the only person in this story.

The real worst would be if S gets clean long enough to get Z back, then relapses and Z ends up being hurt in some way. The possibilities are unfortunately endless. The literal toxic poisons of meth in the home. A mother whose addiction makes her forget to feed, bathe, clothe a child. Compromised judgement leading to a bad choice of boyfriend who would hurt a little girl. A car accident from a mom driving while tweaking. A child learning from the example of a mom who parties instead of nurtures.

That would be the real worst. And when I say these things I am not hating on S. I am just recognizing the awful power of the addiction that has gripped her in the past and the potential for her to relapse. I've seen this stuff fairly close up in the past. I've heard the reactions of kids who went through it with their moms addicted. I've seen the fallout.

There is a child here, and because of that it is just not about S anymore. Yes, I should love her and forgive her, and I am trying to do that, as hard as it is for me. But she is not my first responsibility. Sick though she may be, she is an adult. Z needs my care and vigilance much more.

How much are we willing to risk in order to keep a biological family together?

It's an open question.


Kate said...


For those that may come here to say what they will, I have something to say...

I don't think that you will find many people that believe placing children out of the home of their biological family is a casual thing that should be taken lightly. I also do not believe that you would find many people who would agree that leaving a helpless child in the care of a mother who has not yet been able to keep her own life in order, is a good idea. This child is a precious being, just as every child that comes into this world is. She deserves to be nurtured and cared for. Of course, if her biological mother were able to provide this, it would be ideal, however, her mother does have a disease (though she most likely brought this disease on herself, though I will admit we all make mistakes and it is unfortunate when a small mistake can so easily snatch up your entire life) and she is receiving help for this disease. This biological mother has also had four other children removed from her care. If we were to simply trust that because she appears to be working so hard, that it is safe to move Z back with her mother, it would be irresponsible. Meth is tragic, and it is horrible, however, it was a choice that was made however harsh that sounds, it is true. I do not think that Ana believes that because she is somehow more righteous and would not choose to do drugs, that she is a better person. I do believe that Ana is saying, S has made her choice and we wish her the very best, however, Z is unable to make any choice and requires a steward to watch out for what is best for her. Ana and her family have been chosen to be those stewards and they take this position very seriously and have opened their hearts to this child in many beautiful ways, all the while knowing that (though it may hurt very deeply) there is every chance that Z will be able to return to her biological mother. It is not wrong for them to hope that Z be able to stay in their care because while she is with them, they know that she is safe. If she leaves, NO ONE, not CPS, not those of you who rail against adoptive parents, probably not even S will be able to promise that Z will be safe and provided for. Meth is ugly and there is a very high rate of falling off of the wagon.

So, for anyone who feels that Ana is being unfair, I assure you... she truly is very Christlike and I know that deep in her heart she wants S to be successful and be able to beat this disease. However, she has not been asked to look out for S's best interest, she has been asked to look out for Z. S does not deserve to have this addiction and I think we all understand what a difficult process it must be for her, but she deserves, and is getting, a chance to get herself and her life in order before we see if she is able to care for another precious life.

Victoria said...

I find it sad other's can judge another so harshly, are they being Christian tehmselves for judging? I think not. Do not waorry Ana, those of us who really know you and have been through this process understand fully and think your doing an excellent job! Love you tons!

Victoria said...

Sorry for all the type -o's. Oops :)

Anonymous said...

The problem I have with that last post is that it smacks with baby gimmies. The best opportunity those women have to turning their lives around is entering rehab supervised with their children. Have you read the studies about the emotional consequences to birthmothers post adoption? Now take those consequences and amplify them for those that are in addiction crossroads. With their children, they have a chance of real recovery. Without their children, their bodies physically go through the process of believing their babies are dead. Add that to the hard part of rehab and I don't think that is encouraging in the least.

Whether or not this mother ever gets rehabilitated from her addiction isn't even the point. what is the point is that your post smacked with the gimmies. Regardless of how this mother resolves her addiction (positively or negatively), you want that child. Specifically where you debated whether or not you could continue to mother this child knowing that she could be put with her other mother in a year, and start over with one who could just be yours.

I don't know what else to say though. I can tell that you want to be kind and do the right thing, but that post really did seem to come down to you that it would just be easier if the mom stayed addicted. =o/

Kris... said...

Oh Ana... don't you wish you could see into the future sometimes and know just what is going to happen with this whole thing? My heart just aches for you all. I don't know how you do it... I couldn't. HUGE {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

Jenne said...

Love ya sweetie. "Forgiving" is one thing, forgetting and looking the other way when an innocent child's welfare is at stake is another thing. You're a blessing to your children and the sweet spirits you invite into your home. I have always admired your ability to be a peacemaker and nurturer, yet still communicate your beliefs in a kind and loving articulate manner, always putting others first. I'm sorry others are coming here with a different agenda. I know the situation and the reasons, and totally agree with you.

Kari said...

I know your heart, Ana. I know that you want the best for Z first and foremost - even though that hurts that she may never be *your* child. I also know that you sincerely hope S straigtens her life out.

I cannot believe these irrational people who are bashing you and other foster/adoptive parents.

I'm sorry. Please know I completely support you and that I KNOW you are doing a fabulous job despite everything!!

Ana said...

Anonymous, if you want to talk more, please introduce yourself and tell me where you are coming from. Otherwise I will be deleting your comments. I just don't think you see my point of view. I could spend a lot of time trying to explain it to you but it seems like you are just coming at it from a different angle completely and I fear I would be wasting my time.

Friends, thanks for the support.

SalGal said...

I was going to say something nasty to Anonymous, but I decided I'm going to spend the time with my hubs instead.

Banana, I feel sorry for those people who are judging you. They're so blinded by the mote that they'll never really get to know you like we do. Too bad for them, but more for me!

Love you.

Heidi said...

Just goes to show the ignorance of some people! I can believe there are people out there, jealous and with low self esteems that feel they need to make someone else feel bad in order to get their "high" from feeling better about themselves! I'm glad you changed to secure comments - now we can follow their links to their pages & boost their self esteems so they don't feel they have to do this to foster/adoptive parents!

Not only that, but LOOK - I read your blog! LOL!

Bek said...
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