So, there's a blog that finds posts from adoptive families and blasts them. I'm not linking them, because I don't want to feed the fire. (Although I'll thank them for the traffic ... haha!) I'm accused there of "wishing for the worst," hoping that S stays addicted and we keep Z.
Obviously they skimmed one post of mine and made that judgement. Anybody who knows my story knows that is not the case. They're just wrong about that. If you came here from that blog, make up your own mind.
I want to say, though, that I think that would not be the worst thing that could happen. It would be the worst for S, yes. But she is not the only person in this story.
The real worst would be if S gets clean long enough to get Z back, then relapses and Z ends up being hurt in some way. The possibilities are unfortunately endless. The literal toxic poisons of meth in the home. A mother whose addiction makes her forget to feed, bathe, clothe a child. Compromised judgement leading to a bad choice of boyfriend who would hurt a little girl. A car accident from a mom driving while tweaking. A child learning from the example of a mom who parties instead of nurtures.
That would be the real worst. And when I say these things I am not hating on S. I am just recognizing the awful power of the addiction that has gripped her in the past and the potential for her to relapse. I've seen this stuff fairly close up in the past. I've heard the reactions of kids who went through it with their moms addicted. I've seen the fallout.
There is a child here, and because of that it is just not about S anymore. Yes, I should love her and forgive her, and I am trying to do that, as hard as it is for me. But she is not my first responsibility. Sick though she may be, she is an adult. Z needs my care and vigilance much more.
How much are we willing to risk in order to keep a biological family together?
It's an open question.