You know the toys that you wind up or turn on, and then they go until they hit a wall, and then they bounce off and go look for another wall?
I've just found a wall. Turns out it's a little jarring when you hit those things.
I'll admit I've never particularly enjoyed criticism, even the constructive kind. Ask my dad, who was also my long-suffering piano teacher for many a year (and tear). Today's poke made me feel a little like I was having an out of body experience.
My boss, a kind and good lady, ever so gently told me that I need to just take a few days off. In a kinder way than I can restate it well, she said I am neither reliable nor consistent right now. She's also cracking the heck down on my schedule, with which I have taken liberties this year.
I think she might be overreacting a little, because you know, most of the time I do just fine with my loose schedule - 8:45-9 AM to 5-5:20 PM, no lunch break most days. It seems like plenty of work time to me. But she wants me here 8 to 5. Maybe that is what I get for pushing it too far in the last month with K here and childcare issues, and especially in the last week with my total grieving distracted fog.
I just wish she had acknowledged that the only reason I was here at all this week is because she wasn't, and I thought we should at least have a warm body in the office, and we had a big emergency drill yesterday we had to get ready for and help run. That part seems unfair. I feel like right now I should certainly get credit for showing up.
Maybe it's more like I'm a horse who's just found the limit of my reins. How unfortunate that I hit it going so dang fast.
Ouch.
2 comments:
oh Honey, *hug* hang in there. You are a wonderful person.
I don't know you or your family, I found your blog through other blogs...it seems everyone is truly connected in this world. I am deeply saddened for your loss of your precious angel. I have heard of miracle situations where foster parents have had to return the child only to have the child later returned to foster care again. The family I saw ended up adopting the child a few years later. I feel the Lord knows what you need and desire and will make your heart whole again. Have you considered adopting through LDS Social Services? A family I know only through the blog world just adopted a baby (http://ckgrover.blogspot.com) and they seem very happy with the LDS Social Services. They only charge 10 percent of your income with a minimum of 4000 and a max of 10000. It also becomes a tax credit, so if you pay taxes it can be completely free after several years. I think you are an amazing mom and deserve to have the family you desire. The Lord is mindful of you and your children and knows YOUR PLAN before even you do. I have a strong feeling great things are in store for you and your family. In the mean time, may you be blessed with much love and comfort as you deal with the loss of your beloved angel. Lisa A
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