Wednesday, August 29, 2007


This is how I'm doing, besides singing "The KKK Took My Baby Away," over and over to the point where S has to tell me to be quiet so he can do his homework.

I mostly have my groove back. I am getting my work done. I am getting my calling done. I am cooking dinner and washing my hair and not sleeping too much. I go entire days without crying.

But I still feel like there has been a wrong turn in the continuum of my life. Like things are not supposed to be this way. And if I could just go back to the right moment and flap the right butterfly wing, get the judge to say no instead of yes, things would be different.

Or maybe there is another way to get back on track, a way I don't see yet. I pray this is true, because going back in time does not seem too likely.

I wish I could ask S (Z's mom) if she really feels right about this reunification. If she really, really believes it is in Z's best interest. How gauche would that be?

I am going to call her from soccer practice under the guise of needing to tell her some stuff about WIC. I am really paranoid about coming across as needy and whiny and unstable. I am supposed to be the competent one, you know? I'm the one with a license to parent.

I worry about Z's confusion and ability to process this. She is 9 months old as of yesterday. That's the age for stranger anxiety. Who is the stranger to her - me, or S? Can a baby's brain really process two mothers, or process a transition at such a time? Whom will she blame for this, in her subconscious? What if it's a year or more from now, and she's gone through something horrible, and then comes back to us? What would that do to her? To me?

In the meantime, we are all falling hard for K. He is hilarious and adorable. And we cannot get crap in the way of information about his case. It's frustrating.

On an unrelated note, there's construction outside my workplace that literally causes the entire building to convulse every few seconds. It's not as scary now that I've realized it's about a bus turnaround, not a high-magnitude earthquake, but it still freaks the heck out of me.


SalGal said...

I'm so glad things are falling back into the groove of life for you. I hope G and the boys are doing as well. We miss you guys so much and are SO looking forward to the 8th!!


Victoria said...

I think you should just call her up and tell her your missing Z and ask how Z and herself are doing? I always think even in situations like these, honesty is the best policy-you have nothing to lose. Maybe S needs to talk to you-and just by you being real with her she feels comfortable being real to you? I don't know, but I would see.

How's G handling this? Girls have such a hold on daddy's heart. Hugs my friend, I miss ya and I wish I could reach over and hug you right now. Anything I can do- please call me, write me whatever-I'm there! xoxo

MiniMarie said...

I understand what you are going through. Today would have been my little boy's sixth birthday. There's nothing in the world like missing a child.

Heidi said...

LOL...that song!! Gosh - deep inside, I'm still hopeing that she'll realize she can't do it..but then again Z might give her just the push she needs to get her life back together. She's blessed your life...maybe she'll have the power to bless S's for the better? I can't imagine how emotionally draining this is on you!

ang said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Z. I've been out of things the past month, or two actually. K is adorable, I want to squeeze him and hear him laugh (kinda like an Elmo doll)! I don't know if I could do what you do--taking in these sweet children only to see them back where they shouldn't be. You're a good woman!

kris... said...

Aww... I'm glad life is returning to normal, but I'm still aching inside for you, as I know you are, too.

BTW... thanks for the goodmail!!! You do such beautiful work. I love them!!!

Lucy said...

I'm with Victoria. I think you could call and just say you miss Z and ask how she's doing. I'm glad you are functioning but understand that you must still have those really painful moments.

Ana said...

I called twice last week. No answer, no return call when I left messages. That is the bummer of it. Nothing I can do, though, except call from a stranger's phone so she won't screen me ... but that is kind of creepy and stalkerish, isn't it?

WatchMeLoseWeight said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you!

Love, Kate

Denise said...

How Ana got her groove back...

I'm glad it's getting a little better, a little easier. I wish it were different, for everyone's sakes. You're amazing, Ana. I'm thinking of you.