Groove

This is how I'm doing, besides singing "The KKK Took My Baby Away," over and over to the point where S has to tell me to be quiet so he can do his homework.

I mostly have my groove back. I am getting my work done. I am getting my calling done. I am cooking dinner and washing my hair and not sleeping too much. I go entire days without crying.

But I still feel like there has been a wrong turn in the continuum of my life. Like things are not supposed to be this way. And if I could just go back to the right moment and flap the right butterfly wing, get the judge to say no instead of yes, things would be different.

Or maybe there is another way to get back on track, a way I don't see yet. I pray this is true, because going back in time does not seem too likely.

I wish I could ask S (Z's mom) if she really feels right about this reunification. If she really, really believes it is in Z's best interest. How gauche would that be?

I am going to call her from soccer practice under the guise of needing to tell her some stuff about WIC. I am really paranoid about coming across as needy and whiny and unstable. I am supposed to be the competent one, you know? I'm the one with a license to parent.

I worry about Z's confusion and ability to process this. She is 9 months old as of yesterday. That's the age for stranger anxiety. Who is the stranger to her - me, or S? Can a baby's brain really process two mothers, or process a transition at such a time? Whom will she blame for this, in her subconscious? What if it's a year or more from now, and she's gone through something horrible, and then comes back to us? What would that do to her? To me?

In the meantime, we are all falling hard for K. He is hilarious and adorable. And we cannot get crap in the way of information about his case. It's frustrating.

On an unrelated note, there's construction outside my workplace that literally causes the entire building to convulse every few seconds. It's not as scary now that I've realized it's about a bus turnaround, not a high-magnitude earthquake, but it still freaks the heck out of me.