We are now up to four times where I have invited S (Z's mom) to something and she has said she would come, then completely stood us up with no call or explanation. It is getting to be just weird.
1. Church on Father's Day.
2. 4th of July picnic.
3. Dinner at our house.
4. Dinner at our house again last night. She missed some darn fine salmon.
She insists, when I talk to her, that she intends to come and that she means to maintain a relationship with our family after the reunification (probably Aug. 14, I am guessing).
But you can see why I don't really trust her or count on that in any way, right?
Also, she has a new boyfriend. Which kind of makes me feel like throwing up. In a nervous way, not a disgusted way. I don't think she's ready to make that kind of decision or judgment right now. I think she could be putting Z at tremendous risk. In fact it is the risk I am most scared of. But of course I have no say in it all, whatsoever.
Anyway I am thinking after we get back from Alaska I will see if we can meet on neutral ground to hang out together. The thing in common with all the events that have fallen through with her is that they are all decidedly in our territory. And I do think she is still uncomfortable around us, which is something I can understand. It would suck, in some ways, to have to hang out with the people who were qualified to take care of your kids when you were not. I think it would be very hard to overcome a sort of awkward, inferior, guilty feeling. At least I think that is how I would feel.
I also think she is feeling guilty about taking Z from us, just from some things she has said. I have tried very hard not to lay my fear and grief on her. I know she doesn't need that. But she knows what it feels like to say goodbye, and there's no pretending that we are not losing a child here. It just wouldn't be honest.