After a draining day, another draining day

You know that part in The Horse and His Boy where Shasta rides all night to find Aslan and then Aslan just tells him he has to get back on the horse and ride again?

Or something like that. It has been a while since I read that book -- 3 years or so, and my memory is much shorter than 3 years.

Anyway, I think about that a lot. The reward for a task completed is another task to do.

Monday just about kicked my butt. I was exhausted and sleep deprived. I was trying to work at home. The house was a disaster. G had left for Livermore. And I had to take Z for a visit with her mom (my heart already says birthmom) at the county human services agency. I was so distractible all day. I don't think I accomplished much of anything. I kept trying to sit down and work, and I couldn't stand the mess, so I'd get up to clean. But I couldn't focus on cleaning because I had a baby to gaze at. And I couldn't gaze at the baby for long because I had work to do.

Sal came to see me and brought me a caramel apple cider from Starbucks which was fahbulous. I went to lunch with the ladies from my department at work and had a delicious salad with grilled garlic shrimp and tomatillo dressing. Even that was not enough to focus my poor, freaked-out brain.

Taking Z to the agency was, if possible, even more nerve wracking than the first time. I took in an 8x10 print of our nicest picture of her and a Lenox "Baby's First Christmas" ornament as gifts for meth mommy. I am still mad at her for exposing Z to what she did. But ... but. I am being optimistic, hoping that we will adopt Z and meth mommy will get clean and we will be able to have an open adoption at least to some degree. So I wanted to start off on the right foot. I give nice ornaments to my boys' birthmoms every year and I thought I'd just start the tradition for Z's birthmom in hope and faith. Which means I will probably have to quit calling her meth mommy ... that is probably not very nice.

I dropped Z off at the back door of the agency. I am still not ready to meet meth mommy. (Okay, now I will quit!) From the moment the caseworker took her I felt sick ... nauseated, nervous, sick. It is the weirdest, wrong-est feeling to drive away without her. It is so hard and scary. I so wanted to call someone and whine. I restrained myself. But I got home and got a wonderful package of uber-cute baby stuff from V in Utah ... and cried.

Heavenly Father so watches out for me through the eyes of my girlfriends. The timing of that package was seriously amazing.

Also, we found out we cannot get the court order to take Z to Arizona with us. So we have decided to stay home. How to you spell relief? H-O-M-E. So glad it worked out that way. I would have loved to spend time with G's parents but the whole travel thing for Christmas was freaking me out a lot.

Back to Monday. After a busy evening I finally decided I was going to just have to leave the mess and get my ADD self to bed. Sleep helped a lot.

Yesterday and today have been better. I have sent packages and attended a couple of work meetings and a couple of elementary class Christmas programs. I have done a load of dishes and 2 loads of laundry. I have spent a lot of time feeding and cuddling a darling little girl. I have gotten two nights' sleep with only moderate baby-related interruptions.

I am still tired. G is still not home until tomorrow. I am still not ready for Christmas. But I don't have to think about another visit (along with what it might mean for our future with Z that meth mommy is being so consistent with visits) until Dec. 28. Compared with that stress, a Christmas for which I am not entirely prepared is NOTHING!

My friend B (sometimes known on this blog as crazy B with all her good Mormon craziness) gave me a book called "Remembering Wholeness" that is full of all kinds of crazy stuff. The basic assertion therein is that we create our own reality by what we believe and envision for our lives. I think it's not entirely true ... but not entirely false. Somtimes things really are just beyond our control and sometimes we are meant to have adversity no matter what. We wouldn't hear so much from living prophets about adversity if there were such a simple way for everyone to avoid it entirely.

BUT ... there is real value to persistent and determined optimism, to a positive faith that can drive out fear, to asking God, in real confidence that we will receive, for what we want the most. That is what we're striving for with Z.

That's what's keeping me on the horse these days.