Tonight I went to a fabulous concert. Not much like the last fabulous concert I went to except for the fact that the standards of performance were immaculate, the audience was enthusiastic and I walked away feeling different than when I walked in.
The performer tonight was a classical soprano who has performed in big-time venues but now lives in our little town and mothers two small daughters. She was ... oh man, so amazing. I know her a little bit from a work collaboration and have heard her a couple of times before in different settings, but this was the first time I heard her sing in a concert hall and really explore the range of her repertoire. She sang European art songs, operatic arias, new compositions, and selections from American musical theater. Her song choices were impeccable -- she hooked her audience and reeled us in.
But tonight left me more than dazzled. It made me think -- about me. I think I have the raw material to do what this soprano has done. Emphasis there on raw. Mostly untrained. I took lessons in high school from a crazy lesbian music professor in Alaska, and then for a semester at BYU from a very very good teacher. But I didn't cope well with the big-fish-in-a-little-pond feeling I had at BYU. And after marrying young, I told myself I needed to prepare for a career that would mix well with family life. I did that, and I think I'm good at what I do. But a couple of people who knew me when I was younger and starrier-eyed have expressed surprise and disappointment that I didn't pursue music as a career.
Tonight twisted my back-facing thoughts into regret. What was I thinking? How was I so ungrateful for the gifts I was given, that I didn't develop them and learn to shine when I had the chance? Is writing really as special as singing? Is it enough to sing in the ward choir once a month and just do whatever else comes up?
This evening's nightingale is certainly mixing her music and her family life very successfully, albeit on a small stage in a small town. Her three year old daughter called out "I LOVE YOU MOMMY!" as the applause died out from her standing ovation. I would bet money that was sweeter than all the applause of an entire career. How could I have been so naive as to think that was impossible?
Of course this is unproductive and depressing for me at this point. I'm too old and too encumbered in life to start a big-time music career, even if it were possible for me to get my voice back in shape. And I think I made the best career decisions I could with the knowledge I had, in the circumstances I was in.
Much better than being jealous or regretful, I should be inspired. I should choose that. So I am working to turn my twinges into something more positive.
One of the shining moments tonight was Sull'Aria from La Nozze di Figaro. (How can that help but shine?) The other vocalist on the duet was the voice teacher at the local community college. She and the starring soprano are planning to produce Figaro here in our little town next spring and more operas in the future. I don't know if I can be ready to participate in time for Figaro. Too many days go by where I don't sing a note; I'm rusty, creaky, undisciplined. But I am thinking about some voice lessons at the community college this fall. That way, I'll be ready for more opportunities and I'll hear about more opportunities, I think.
But of course it's complicated, now that I'm a 32-year-old, working-outside-the-home, trying-to-lose-weight, young-women-leader, blogging mommy. (Just had to include all my major commitments, there.) Can I really be that selfish? Take one more evening away from my kids, when I am already away all day at work and gone on Tuesdays for Mutual? You know, it's not like I'm dying for a night out of the house these days. I prize my time at home. Honestly.
It's a hard decision. But I'm leaning toward doing it. I want to be able to go to the next concert without feeling so conflicted.
7 comments:
Well, I don't mean to diminish the music aspect at all. It sounds like you do have a great talent and it sounds like you use it, in reference to the singing.
In my opinion, writing is an equally admirable art (what would we do without good books and literature?) and you have been using that god given talent for practical reasons and it seems as though it gives you a lot of personal pleasure as well.
In reading this post, I could not help but think of a talk given by President Monson some years ago (but it is oft repeated) about what to study in school and he makes reference to making under-water basket weaving your hobby not your career. Most people don't make the money they need to make from singing/other musical careers. Very few do. So in a way, I equate singing with underwater basket weaving as far as it producing an income.
I am sure you are a fantastic singer and given more practice you would be even more fabu, but you would have to market yourself and your abilities a TON for a career in music to pay off in this world. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't - even when someone is truly gifted.
Good luck. To me, I think you are a well-rounded Mommy and wife. I know they must feel so blessed to have you in their lives!! It was fun to read your thoughts!
Ana-
I think you should go for it! Look at Aaron and I making a MAJOR career change in our mid 30's.
Anything is possible. Regret, in my opinion, is a heavy millstone to carry.
Just being able to participate a little in something like this will likely take away any sadness you might have over not pursuing this career path more fully.
I would buy a tickete to Cali to hear you sing. :)
Tell you what...
You start singing, I'll pracyice my violin more (dying to take lessons again), and, someday, we can work together and both get over our regrets :)
Your ability to write is amazing. You are so fantastic at everything you do!
I would love to be as great as you are at just one thing! Instead, I've gotten "not bad" at many things.
I never knew this side of you, but I do know that everything you have attempted to do you have always done incredibly well at, so go for it!
Go and do some voice lessons/training. Have some "Just Because It's What I Want" time doing something that you've always wanted to do/try.
Yeah, you're a Mum. Yeah, you're a YW leader. Yeah, you're a paid worker. Remember that you are YOU as well.
It can become pretty ugly when you don't give yourself time to find/remember who YOU are (separate to your other roles) and do something for yourself.
Have fun, try it out, and then you'll never feel deprived about never having done it, and will never yell at someone "Yeah, well I never did singing lessons when I wanted because I'm your mother/wife/leader!!!!!" That would be bad.
SING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, everybody, for your thoughts! You are all invited to my debut at the Met! Hahaha ..
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