Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Laying claim

Over the weekend I was listening to some conference talks on my little mp3 player while folding laundry. This is good because then you can ignore all the kids' mundane requests for things they can really do themselves, like bringing them a blanket while their butts grow into the mattress where they are lying playing Lego Star Wars. And you can get a lot more done and just be like, "Oh, I didn't hear you."

Anyway I heard this talk. About claiming God's promises in your life. It moved me very deeply.

(I was standing at the kitchen counter weeping in a "Together Forever" crying-over-the-sliced-tomatoes kind of pose. Except I think what I was doing was making Ovaltine for K, because he is cocoa-loco and also very loud, loud enough to be heard over the mp3 player.)

Maybe it was so emotional for me because it touched on the pain of wanting but not having children. That is a pain that will always be close to my heart, even though I now think I have all the children I want.

But I think the talk was about a lot more than the promise of children. That was just one example.

We are at a place now where we are just on the verge of the fulfillment of a lot of things. The completion of G's education. Maybe a job. The adoption of our last (I think) two kids. I want these things to be promises fulfilled. I want to deserve them.

I think in some ways we do deserve them. Let's face it, we have worked our butts off for the last 15 years trying to get educated and adopt our kids. We have earned what we are maybe about to get, which is a great job that G can never lose (professors may not make a lot, but the job security pretty much can't be beat) and a completed family, final and forever, sealed in the temple and in God's eyes as if they were born to us.

But when it gets this close you also see that it's really all out of your control. Nobody has to give G a job. Nobody has to give us these kids.

And in a lot of ways we don't deserve the very best. I am still too prideful to give a public account of all my flaws and mistakes and sins, but I sure know what they are. And in bad moments I wonder how anyone could possibly really trust me with these kids, and whether I have been supportive enough to get G through this program in time to take a job this fall, and if it's really possible that three unbelievably, life-changingly good things could happen to us in one week, two weeks from now.

That's when we have two scheduled TPR hearings (March 11 and 13) and there is also a hiring committee meeting that will supposedly make a decision about the job G interviewed for this week (March 10).

But when I heard this, I think I knew:
"I pray that each of us will embrace these exceeding great and precious promises and never let go. And just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you."
I don't know the future. But I know that's true, God will remember me, and G, and all these crazy little kids playing Wii for 12 hours straight and begging for cocoa and pulling all the books off the bookshelves.

I get so nervous, the last few weeks, and I know that's going to continue to plague me until things are settled. But I also know I have tried my best, at least most of the time, and I'm truly sorry for the times when I haven't, and I know I can trust the Lord.


Crysty said...

GREAT post, Ana. I really can identify with a lot of what you said. When things get so close to being so good....it's scary. Ultimately all we can do is turn our will (and our trust) over to the Lord and know that He sees the "big picture" and like you said, He will NOT forget you. I'm so excited at the possibility of all of these great things happening for you! You DO deserve it, and you have worked hard to get here!

kris... said...

That was a beautiful post, Ana!

Barb said...

you are just great! can we be friends?

Ana said...

Sure we can be friends! It's always a pleasure to meet another Mormon PR lady.

Kari said...

Love your post! I think we don't comprehend God's infinite love for us. If we did, we would have more gratitude, exude more confidence and just in general be a lot calmer.

Bek said...

wonderful post Ana. We have a big week that week too (but for different reasons).

We are at a point in our life where we are financially ok. More than ok. And I have a hard time accepting that b/c it feels like we don't deserve it. Same with our kids (even though we are dealing with things that others might consider flaws).

Then I have to remind myself that we worked hard, prayed hard and earned this stuff. But it still feels overwhelming.

Tomorrow I am going to listen to that talk. Thanks for sharing. I can't WAIT to hear the results of your sweet family. Promise me that we will meet before you move? We will host you all for a SF Weekend.... promise.....

Ana said...

Bek, I still have my heart set on a beach photo shoot with you sometime. Is that too much to ask of a way-pregnant mama? We definitely need to meet.

SalGal said...

Feeling the most humble and hopeful thoughts for you (as always).


MaryRuth said...

beautiful post. made me cry. shocker.

Tandy said...

Ana, I love this post. I have felt this way too - so many great things within reach and >< this close to being yours. I love everything you said and I am sure you're not the only one who feels this way about life. :) I'm keeping you in my prayers the next few weeks!