The dawning of a brighter day

I tend to be somewhat vulnerable to episodes of depression. I can think of three, possibly four times I have gone through about four months at a time of just not feeling okay -- nightly crying jags, lack of motivation, etc. One just before I got married, in the summer. One just before I graduated from college, in the late winter and early spring. One after my second child came home, in a dark and horrible winter of ear infections, allergic reactions and two-year-old mayhem. And one (I think) after we moved here to California.

No matter how many times I go through this, I never know what's happening to me until one day I suddenly feel okay again. The sun comes out and I realize that it wasn't so much that life sucked for the previous four months -- it was just that I was in a hole.

I think something similar is happening to me right now. I'm climbing out of a hole. Not a mental-emotional one, though. A spiritual hole. I've been in it for almost a year, with occasional peeks at the sunshine but never a real emergence. Doubts have plagued me. I've been slow to give and quick to suspect. I've felt out of place and out of patience. Answers have not been coming, or at least they have not been heard.

And I can say this only because it's getting better now. My ladder for climbing out of the pit? It's made of a lot of different things. Different rungs, if you want to be a little silly with the metaphor.

My home teachers told me they would like to hear me bear my testimony, and I did, knowing there was a lot I could not say I know, but a few things I could. I let my words last Sunday linger on those things. I know my Savior loves me. I know he atoned for my sins. Opening up to the members of my ward opened up my heart and I've felt different since that time.

I taught in Young Women about the messages we get from the world and the messages we get from the Word of God. (The lesson was "The Word of God as a Standard.") Now I have been blessed all year that the times I have taught in YW I have had glimpses of the Spirit, enough that I don't think my spiritual slump has affected that calling. But this time those contrasts struck me so hard. The world, and the "god of this world," or Satan, hold up standards that lead to misery, loneliness, death -- especially to women. They devalue our bodies, our capacities, our callings. They offer false promises of happiness through fashion, sex, money, success. In contrast the true gospel offers respect, enlightenment, real love, and real heart-happiness, real joy through unwavering devotion to the strait gate and narrow path. Without apology our scriptures and our prophets show us the way to happiness. Unpopular though that way may be.

Crazy B had her book club meeting Friday. We talked about this crazy book and I had this crazy question about how Satan attacks our families. The answer that came to mind was about the roles we play. How we compare ourselves to our siblings and even our spouses, and how Satan works wedges in those relationships through our negative comparisons and causes us to resent each other. I do that garbage all the time. Maybe now I can stop.

And then Conference this weekend. We finally have a computer setup at home good enough to listen reliably through the Church's Web site. (I understand we could have watched online through BYU-TV, but I didn't learn that until this morning.) I blasted it through the house as I did my Saturday chores and as I crocheted and relaxed on Sunday. The Spirit filled my heart with gratitude and testified of truth as Elder Holland spoke to the Young Women (and their leaders) about rejecting the standards of the world. As President Hinckley spoke about forgiveness. And so many more important messages. It's going to be wonderful to review them in a month or so.

Yep, I think I'm waking up. I'm so excited.