Friday, March 02, 2007

Muscle through

Times are hard, hard times,
But everybody knows all about hard times.
The thing is, what are you gonna do?
Will you cry?
And try to muscle through?
And try to rearrange your stuff?
But when the wounds are deep enough,
And it's all that we can bear,
We wrap ourselves in prayer.
-Paul Simon, "Wartime Prayers"
That's what I listened to this morning. So good. Love that.

Muscling through is about what I'm doing right now. I have not had time for much else. I was weepy and scared yesterday. That fear is what I have to fight. It is so easy for me to go kind of nuts with all the what-ifs and maybes and imagine the worst. Here are the truths that I have been using to fight that with:

Foster parenting is the right thing for me to be doing. I have felt that in my heart and I can hold onto it.

Z is with us for a reason. Every moment with her is joy. I cannot be sad when I start each morning with her brilliant little toothless smile.

At the same time, if I were not upset at the prospect of losing her, I would not be normal and it would indicate a deficiency in what I am giving her.

The system might be wrong to place her in rehab with S, but there is nothing I can do about that. I have to let it go in order to get on with what I need to do every day.

If she goes, I will in fact be okay again sometime, even if it kicks my butt temporarily. God brought me here and God will see me through.

This is hard, but I can do it.

If I think it's not fair, I'm wrong. As I tell the boys all the time, fair isn't everybody being treated exactly the same. Fair is everybody having what they need -- the blessings and the trials. I have both, custom-made for me.

At the same time, this isn't all about me.

And it ain't over yet.


Kari said...

I just got through reading this talk from the November Ensign.

I am collecting uplifting and meaningful quotes to strategically place around to help me in my life and I just typed this one to print out and hang up.

I thought it might be appropriate for your situation!

Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be.

When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do.

Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. (Elder James E. Faust, Nov. ’06 Ensign, p. 41)

You have the right attitude. Hang onto those truths. (((hugs)))

Kari said...

Whoops! Forgot the quotation marks!

fMhLisa said...

Oh this is so hard. I wish there was something I could do to help you muscle through. But all I have are my useless tears and chest full of heartache. Give baby Z a big wet kiss for me.

Syd said...

Oh Ana, I don't even know what to say. You put your post so eloquently. I know it helps to know that this is what you are supposed to be doing, but it can still be so tough. All I can say is that you are in my prayers. I hope that the best thing for Z works out (which is your family in my opinion). Hugs

SalGal said...

I've been trying to teach the boys that yes, life can suck. It's not always fair, but it is always just.

Ok, that initially sounds bad, but I only tell them that when they're mad about something that's not fair.

Love you!

Ana said...

Thanks friends ....

Lisa, the baby smells like spit, I kiss he so much. Okay, I did bathe her tonight so now she does not. But she did before the bath.

That fair thing was a big revelation for me. I can get all poopy about being infertile and having a kid with adhd and people I love not doing exactly what I want and my husband still being in grad school and not being able to buy a house at age almost-33 (almost 36 for him!) and the foster system being whacked and it all being unfair ... but where does it ever say that all those things are supposed to fall into place for me? Ya know? It would be nice and stuff, but my life is not so bad! And I am learning a lot, so maybe, just maybe God is right and I am right where I am supposed to be ...

Further update as PMS worsens this week ... haha!

Ana said...

That should have been "I kiss HER so much ..."

Time for bed, I think. In a minute.

Victoria said...

This is why I love you so!

Your an incredible woman, wife and mom and no matter what -your right, God will get you through this. It isn't over and my prayers are with you and Z.
{{{HUGS and love}}}}