Black on the shelf

a family of foxes came to my yard and dug in
so I looked in a book to see what this could possibly mean
- indigo girls, "deconstruction"

I have this idea that if there's something you want to know or do, you find a book with information or instructions and read it. Then you can know or do what you want. Home repairs? Try this book. Adopting a child? I love this one, and this other one is an absolute must. Cooking and baking? Here's a good start, and these are tried and true (if occasionally a bit dated).

When S was a baby, seven years ago, I wanted to nurse him. So, true to my booky mindset, I bought two books and a Lact-Aid to hook up and figured I could do it. Totally delusional. By the time he came home he was eight weeks old and loved, loved, loved his bottles. Plus, the Lact-Aid was not easy to use, and I was far from home with no support system, especially not for the slightly off-the-beaten-path idea of adoptive nursing. I canned it after a few days' efforts. Books were not enough, even when I read them exhaustively (and exhaustedly, in those early days of motherhood).

Books are still not enough, if you really want to know. I have parenting books up the wazoo and I have read them and studied them and made notes. I still do not really know how to be a great mom. Some things are just not meant to be learned that way. I'm starting to accept that.

Beyond the how-to books --

Today I was headed back from some lunchtime retail therapy at Target and heard this on the radio. My first thought was, "Maybe I should get that book to keep on my shelf." Meaning, maybe my kids would enjoy finding that book and exploring it when they're teenagers, kind of the way I enjoyed finding Tolkien and Austen and other English-type writers.

But then, am I crazy? What is the idea of getting a book just to keep on my shelf in hopes that my kids will someday read it? When my kids are smart, yes, but not even close to the nerdy bookworm that I was? Okay, still am. Yah, crazy.

I have Native Son, an old paperback I got from my mom's parents when they were moving to a smaller place, but I've never made it past the first couple of chapters. I have read The Invisible Man as well as Beloved and several other novels about slavery.

I am not naive enough to think that, having read a few books, I get it. Books are not enough to change me or make me able to do something. I wonder, though, if having them on the shelf will help convince my kids that I am trying.

I wonder if having the parenting books on the shelf will do the same thing. I can hope.