Assemble, please

Random crap from my brain, it is now time to assemble yourself in an orderly list.

• It is time to find a new babysitter. The current sitter - I love her, and I hope we will stay friends. But she is sick about once a week. And she asks for days off so she can photograph someone's wedding. I hate to pull Z out of her home because I know for a fact there is love there. But I seriously need more dependability. Seriously.
  
• I think I ran over a bunny this morning. I could cry. There was really nothing I could have done differently, but dang it, I love the bunnies on campus. They make me think about Watership Down all the time. I wonder if someday they, and the red winged blackbirds, and the egrets and hawks and herons, will be only memories. I look at our development plans and I think they will. It makes me really sad. But the alternative is unacceptable. When it comes right down to it I still really believe in what we are doing.
  
• I would take a fast forward button for my life right now if I could find out where G is going to get a job. But then I would want a rewind button because other than the crazy-making of not knowing the future, we are doing great.
• I am not writing about my husband's career. But he has applied to a few more faculty jobs. I am trying not to spend too much time browsing real estate in the selected locations and dreaming about the beginning of my real life. That is all.
• Our new adoptions worker, assigned to both cases, is a Mormon guy who grew up attending our current ward. It almost goes without saying that this is a big improvement over the Wicked Witch of the West who was previously un-helping our kids. I really hope we helped get her fired. But I guess we will never know.
  
• I said no to an 18mo foster child who needed a home yesterday. The agency apparently thinks I am crazy. Crazy enough to have two 18mos, three other kids, and a full time job. Maybe they subscribe to the "what's one more" theory. To which I do not subscribe. Every time I have added just one more, it has jacked me up. No regrets on that; there are definitely rewards that make it worthwhile, but I cannot jack up my life right now. I am barely hanging on for the most part. It seems strange to me that I didn't feel at all bad about turning down this placement. But I really didn't.
• My dad said he thinks I am ready to write my own stuff full time. This had such a big effect on me. This and other things in the last week have made me realize that although I have worked hard to care less about what other people think, there are some people whose opinions will always matter a lot. That leaves me vulnerable in a lot of ways but it's also what gives our relationships weight and meaning.
  
• About the writing - I want to do it so much. See list item above about G getting a job. Health insurance is such a ball and chain!
• We took a big step over the weekend. We got a real couch. It was - well, I won't be crass and post the price, but it was about 20% of its original price on eBay and in very near new condition. Tan leather, quite large. We did fit it in the minivan, though, to bring it home from Modesto. Barely. Cross one thing off my weirdo list. I now own a couch. I can now veg in front of the TV like a real American. Next I have to get an antenna that works so I can watch TV again. Actually I probably will not do that. I am back to relishing the control over our viewing that occurs when there is nothing being broadcast to our set.
• I also spent my birthday money on a new stereo for my van. Recommence crying over NPR stories on the way to work. The earthquake. God help us. I know it's probably not true but it sure feels like there is more terrible stuff in the world than there ever has been before.
  
• The veggie garden is doing quite well. We have some first blossoms already on the Early Girl tomato plant. The sunflowers have all sprouted and I saw the shoots of one onion last night. Nothing lost to snails or ants yet. This is because I chickened out and did not go completely organic. I have ant stakes and snail pellets. The ants and snails in our yard are extremely aggressive! I think it's because all our neighbors spray and so we are the most chemical-free zone. At least there is nothing being sprayed on our plants.

Back to work. Y'all are so patient with my occasional brain puke. I do appreciate it.