Four hours later. I thought it was because I had tried to install my old printer on my new computer. In reality it was spyware, there because I tried to save $20 by buying a computer with an open box and BestBuy did not fix it. Dorks. But I won. It's running clean now. See, I'm handy with more than the power drill.
As a maybe-or-maybe-not unrelated followup to the post earlier today: Before bed, I told 4yo he was the best Batman ever. He responded, "You're Wonder Woman, you know." I'm movin' on up!