I am sick. Z is sick. G is sick. S is sick.
Z's social worker is freaking me out. I got a copy of her report for next Tuesday's court hearing. It says the agency's recommendation for adoptive placement is "confidential." Our attorney confirmed this is not a good sign. It makes me want to throw up. Also to hide. I am trying to ignore this and shore up our defenses. This week we saw a family therapist in Modesto and secured her commitment to testify that moving Z at this point would create substantial risk for an attachment disorder.
I still feel like I am walking on eggshells at work. Whenever I take a day off, be it sick or vacation I feel worried. Things have changed. I just don't feel as comfortable as I used to. No one is rude or mean or harassing. But *I* know I have bitten off more than I can chew in the last year, and I am sure others do, too. It creates some pressure. And as my workplace grows, relationships are naturally less personal and casual. I miss that, and the new dynamic also creates more pressure for me.
I am tired of people saying to me, "I don't know how you do it." I don't know, either. Most of the time I feel like I don't do it, at least not well. I am just going to stop telling people I have four kids.
This pace is going to kill me.
I am getting all PMS bloated and crampy not to mention asthmatic, thanks to the amazing, beautiful valley in bloom. I have a new theory that if you catalogued all my whiny posts you would find them on a pretty reliable 29-day cycle.
9 comments:
I'll add this to my list of stuff to freak out about. It will be number 2, right after the house!
I hate that uneasy feeling, the wondering how you're going to get it all done and the why, OH WHY did I agree to it all in the first place?!?
Oh Ana - I think freaking out is justified (((((((hugs))))))))
I totally hear you about taking time off and worrying when you do it - btdt (did that this week in fact) -it is so hard to find balance when you are a wohm - so so hard, even with an understanding supervisor and co-workers you feel the constant pull to *be there* 100% at both work and home - I sure hope you get to return to your sahm status sooner than later!
Your family (and you specifically ;) ) will continue to be in my prayers! I pray the judge and others involved in the decision making process *get* that Z deserves and needs to stay with her (your) family!
I just wanted to say that I love your blog! You are amazing..I hope things go well!
I think my posts follow that same cycle. I too am a WOHM with four kids. I feel your pain. I will continue to think of you and Z and hope for the best.
There is a scripture that comes to mind, "Be still and know that I am God" -- or something to that effect. He is in control here. You *are* doing what is asked of you.
Now the scene is set for His miracles to unfold. I do not know how all of this will pan out, but I do know that it will be better than you could have imagined.
Hang on! You're doing great, even though I know you don't feel like that's the case!!
Ana..you are in the fire and I wish I could take it away.
I am convinced that the waiting on these hard things in life is much worse than whatever happens. It stinks...
Hugs and prayers coming your way..
Hang in there, Ana!!!! Prayers are continuing!
(((hugs))), ((((HUGS)))) and more ((((HUGE HUGS))))!!!!!!
Oh Ana, we will keep you in our prayers. I think that Kari put it beautifully. I will hope and pray that things work out and that Z is a part of your family for all eternity.
Kate
Just give them Granny's quote when they ask!
The unknown SUCKS - so I'm hoping and praying you get THREE great things this week!
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