Friday, March 07, 2008


I am sick. Z is sick. G is sick. S is sick.

Z's social worker is freaking me out. I got a copy of her report for next Tuesday's court hearing. It says the agency's recommendation for adoptive placement is "confidential." Our attorney confirmed this is not a good sign. It makes me want to throw up. Also to hide. I am trying to ignore this and shore up our defenses. This week we saw a family therapist in Modesto and secured her commitment to testify that moving Z at this point would create substantial risk for an attachment disorder.

I still feel like I am walking on eggshells at work. Whenever I take a day off, be it sick or vacation I feel worried. Things have changed. I just don't feel as comfortable as I used to. No one is rude or mean or harassing. But *I* know I have bitten off more than I can chew in the last year, and I am sure others do, too. It creates some pressure. And as my workplace grows, relationships are naturally less personal and casual. I miss that, and the new dynamic also creates more pressure for me.

I am tired of people saying to me, "I don't know how you do it." I don't know, either. Most of the time I feel like I don't do it, at least not well. I am just going to stop telling people I have four kids.

This pace is going to kill me.

I am getting all PMS bloated and crampy not to mention asthmatic, thanks to the amazing, beautiful valley in bloom. I have a new theory that if you catalogued all my whiny posts you would find them on a pretty reliable 29-day cycle.


SalGal said...

I'll add this to my list of stuff to freak out about. It will be number 2, right after the house!

I hate that uneasy feeling, the wondering how you're going to get it all done and the why, OH WHY did I agree to it all in the first place?!?

jamie said...

Oh Ana - I think freaking out is justified (((((((hugs))))))))

I totally hear you about taking time off and worrying when you do it - btdt (did that this week in fact) -it is so hard to find balance when you are a wohm - so so hard, even with an understanding supervisor and co-workers you feel the constant pull to *be there* 100% at both work and home - I sure hope you get to return to your sahm status sooner than later!

Your family (and you specifically ;) ) will continue to be in my prayers! I pray the judge and others involved in the decision making process *get* that Z deserves and needs to stay with her (your) family!

Leisha said...

I just wanted to say that I love your blog! You are amazing..I hope things go well!

Melessa said...

I think my posts follow that same cycle. I too am a WOHM with four kids. I feel your pain. I will continue to think of you and Z and hope for the best.

Kari said...

There is a scripture that comes to mind, "Be still and know that I am God" -- or something to that effect. He is in control here. You *are* doing what is asked of you.

Now the scene is set for His miracles to unfold. I do not know how all of this will pan out, but I do know that it will be better than you could have imagined.

Hang on! You're doing great, even though I know you don't feel like that's the case!!

Bek said... are in the fire and I wish I could take it away.

I am convinced that the waiting on these hard things in life is much worse than whatever happens. It stinks...

Hugs and prayers coming your way..

Anne/2rosebud said...

Hang in there, Ana!!!! Prayers are continuing!

(((hugs))), ((((HUGS)))) and more ((((HUGE HUGS))))!!!!!!

WatchMeLoseWeight said...

Oh Ana, we will keep you in our prayers. I think that Kari put it beautifully. I will hope and pray that things work out and that Z is a part of your family for all eternity.


Teri Le said...

Just give them Granny's quote when they ask!

The unknown SUCKS - so I'm hoping and praying you get THREE great things this week!