Spring

My favorite season of the year takes a long time to arrive in Montana. Or maybe it just behaves differently here. True, we now have green grass and even dandelions, but they all seem to get snowed on about once a week. This depresses me a little. I'm trying not to complain too much. I don't want to be the obnoxious and wimpy California transplant. I'm not a real Californian, after all. I should be considered more Utahn than Californian by virtue of years spent there, and I'm a little bit Alaskan, too. So handling a wet and snowy Montana spring ought to be no biggie.

But even when I lived in Alaska I remember psyching myself into a spring mindset. This I did by wearing spring clothing as early as March, when the temperatures got up to zero or so. Nowadays my legs are neither as cute nor as cold-hardy as they used to be, so I don't do that anymore. But I have found some spring-oriented mood-boosters.

1. Take a walk through a nursery. It's warm and humid, and the colors are almost as intoxicating as the scent of wet, warm earth. Promise yourself some petunias as soon as it is safe to put things in the ground (June 1, so I'm told).

2. Spray tan.

3. Sprout some seeds indoors. Pray they survive until it's safe to put things in the ground.

4. On a related note, build some raised beds. Mine are wood, but my darling cousin Jodi has great instructions for vinyl ones here. They look better than mine. Hmph.

5. Work on feet. I WILL wear sandals this year. Actually I really just need a real pedicure. Maybe after payday.

6. Work on skin. This is excellent stuff, way more than I would usually spend on skincare products but well worth the money.

7. Tidy up the patio. Dr. G did most of the real work. For my part, I plan to get four Adirondack chairs on sale and paint them some wonderful color. Perhaps turquoise.

8. Plan a vacation or two. We're going to Utah a couple of times (one very, very soon) and to Alaska in June for Dr. G's 20-year high school reunion.th

9. Buy summer produce even if it is a little expensive. Fresh cherries were the star of my life today.

10. Eat salad for dinner. Maybe one like this.

Crunchy Chicken Salad

1/2 head Romaine lettuce

1 c. diced jicama

2 stalks diced celery

2 tomatoes, cut in wedges

1 orange, peeled, halved lengthwise, and sliced

2 c. cooked, diced leftover chicken (it's good if you've grilled it or if it has a little barbecue or sweet/spicy flavor)

Sunflower seeds

Newman's Own Light Lime Vinaigrette

Combine all the veggies and chicken. Add sunflower seeds and dressing just before serving.

4 servings.

Chicken enchiladas

About once a year, give or take, I run away for a weekend with a group of longtime friends. We started as an online group of Mormon moms. I joined about 1998 when I was looking for infertility support. We're now just simply old friends. I love my girls!

When we get together, we mostly shop, gab, and eat. And eat and eat. We snack. We cook. We go out.

I like to cook for this group because they are oh-so-appreciative. Nobody says to me, "This smells like barf," or "What is that?"

Last time we got together, I made the caramelized onion quiche from Simply Recipes (still far and away my favorite food blog, even though I can't get the fabulous, fresh California produce anymore). That was one darn decadent breakfast. I still look back with fondness.

This year, at a townhouse in Park City conveniently located just up the road from one of our favorite haunts - the infamous outlets - I did a recipe of my own invention. I give you:

Park City Chicken Enchiladas

1 lb. chicken breasts or thighs, boneless, seasoned with salt and pepper

1 large onion
1 tsp vegetable oil or olive oil
2 cloves garlic
1 tbsp cumin
1/2 tbsp coriander
1/2 tbsp oregano
1 package cotija cheese (substitute drained cottage cheese if you have to)

1 package corn tortillas
1 large can green enchilada sauce

1 c shredded monterey jack cheese

Grill, saute or bake chicken. Grilling is best. Cut into small dice (1/2" to 3/4" size chunks.) Crumble cotija and mix with chicken in a large bowl.

Saute onion in oil until transparent and beginning to turn golden. Add garlic and spices and stir for 1 minute. Combine onion mixture with chicken and cheese in large bowl.

Place about 1/3 of your enchilada sauce in the bottom of a large baking pan (the big stoneware baker from Pampered Chef is perfect - think large lasagna pan. You can also use a regular 9x13 cake pan but you will likely have more enchiladas so prepare a small pan also).

Warm tortillas in the microwave to soften for about a minute. Roll about 3 tbsp of the chicken filling into each tortilla and place side by side in pan. Don't worry too much if they crack, and don't be afraid to pack them in tight. Tuck down any tortilla pieces sticking up. Pour remaining sauce over the top. Sprinkle with cheese. Bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes. You want the cheese melty and bubbly.

Options: You can substitute grilled zucchini and corn to make this a vegetarian entree. You can also just add them into the filling if you want it all!

Coming attractions

I have some posts jangling around in my head. I figure if I make a list, maybe I will actually take the photos and write the posts. Me and my lists. I'm sure it's not OCD.

- My all-time best thrifting finds (I used one today when it was raining)

- Stuff I have had for forever and still use (who remembers my Scotland sweatshirt?)

- Chicken enchildas

- Crocheted Barbie dresses

- Baby plants for the garden

- My quest for a dog ... is it time to pee or get off the pot? (Always ladylike, I am)

So, which one do you think I should do first? I am thinking maybe the enchiladas, because if I don't take a photo tomorrow when I heat some up for my lunch, they will all be gone. But what's your take?

What goes around

Do you believe in karma?

I have a great-aunt named Carma, and she is for sure real and super nice. My wedding reception was at her house and she even let everybody come inside when a Utah late-summer thunderstorm started up.

The other kind of karma, I have always kind of thought was a nice idea, but this week it seems to be happening so fast I can't miss it.

I edited a resume for an extended family member at no charge. I got to send two invoices for paid projects. I love doing this so much I feel a little like Cordelia in Season 1 of Angel (nerd train, slow down, I need to get my other leg on board).

I watched kids for two friends on the same day. I got invited to a girls' movie night out. (Tonight! I am excited!)

I think Karma might be just like the rest of us girls. Nice when you treat her nice.

Come what May

Just some randoms.

• Got Tsubo Balin peep-toe strappy pumps in off-white using my birthday money. Man, is my skin ever white. Possibly whiter than the shoes. Thank heaven for Neutrogena.
• Here is a hint. If you want to get good shoes without breaking the bank, try on the brand you like in a store to find your size. Then find your shoes on eBay. (How dorky was it to link that?) I can usually find them for 50 to 60 percent off.
• Cinco de Mayo! Shrimp and avocado soft tacos with cilantro slaw at our house tonight. How fast can you get here?
• Thank you, Netflix streaming video, for babysitting my children while I work on fun freelance projects for UC Merced. I am super busy with student spotlights and a political science paper. Not complaining!
• S read "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle in three days. That is quick for him. I think the themes about individual strengths and weaknesses found some resonance. I am feeling kinda proud.
• K is barfy today. There is real Coca-Cola in the house. How much have I had? Too much? Ask me at bedtime. I do not like sick-kid days much. It is almost impossible to get a workout in, and I generally dislike having my plans foiled. On the other hand, the slow pace and an excuse to rest are not all bad.
• Montana springtime: snow, snow, and lots more snow. Stop, I say! Enough is enough! Yet ... after the storms blow through, it is so bright and clear and beautiful. And I really appreciate the no-asthma aspect after living in the Central Valley of California for 6 years.
• We bought tickets to Alaska for Dr. G's 20th high school reunion in June. That's right. When it finally stops snowing here, we will be going north. The whole famdamily. Actually we are really excited. We went in 2007 for G's sister's wedding and it was fabulous. I never blogged much about it because it happened right before Z was reunified with her birthmom for that 30 day trial period. Writing about a vacation was the last thing on my mind. How awesome it will be to go back now that we don't have to get court orders for interstate travel!
• If you're thinking of cheaping out and starting your garden seeds in paper cups instead of the nifty little plastic greenhouse peat pellet things, just don't. I had a whole scary mold experience with paper cups. Ugly stuff.
• Remember when my blog banner had a purple cordless drill? That was based on my real and much beloved yellow DeWalt. I got it when we had our condo in Salt Lake, probably 10 years ago. The kids left it in the front yard a few weeks ago. Now I do not have a cordless drill anymore. I replaced it with a cheap, corded Black & Decker. For me this may actually be better. It's not like I'm walking around a job site all day using it on different stuff. I'm actually usually in one place working on a specific project. So it's nice not to have to switch battery packs and recharge.
• I think S might have dysgraphia. I'm going to try to start the testing process with the school district before he actually is enrolled there in the fall. Stay tuned.

My week

I cooked for company. (Take the skin off the chicken, use more garlic and celery, and sub diced tomatoes for the tomato sauce.)

I turned 36. Thanks to Dr. G. for surprising me with ice cream cake and balloons. It's not too hard to make me happy!


I made some bread.

I did some good OCD-type menu planning. Wonder if I will really cook breakfast? I need to try. We spend way too much on cold cereal.

It snowed again. But as you can see, it's already melting fast.

I also got my Montana driver's license in the mail. I look like a hardened criminal. Not sharing that one on the blog. Torturing the store clerks and airport check-in attendants of the world with that scary, scary image will be enough.

Hello, Mother

For Earth Day yesterday we decided to go hiking instead of our usual morning jaunt to the YMCA. We chose Maud S Canyon because it is close by and easy to get to. A little much on the "up" factor for my kids, who have not hiked much. They pooped out before we got to the top. We will have to remedy that. We still had a beautiful hike and enjoyed some good sunshine, getting home well before the weather changed in the afternoon. Springtime in the Rockies!

We got some good discussion time in about erosion, the history of mining in this area, the Boulder Batholith, the purpose of public lands, and why you don't usually want to drink water from a stream (great way to get Giardia!)

This is the fun, fun, fun part of home school!

In a beanery

The family has christened this recipe "Indian Beans." Fair enough, since I changed it enough that it is really no longer Toor Dal, at all, although I started with that recipe from my "A Little Taste of India" cookbook. (Real Toor Dal, according to the book, would be based on yellow lentils; use something called kokum instead of oranges to impart a tart, fruity flavor to the lentils; start with whole spices to be ground and roasted, and have curry leaves and jaggery and fresh cilantro. None of those were around in my kitchen!)

Impressively, the whole family except one notoriously picky person enjoyed it, and we even had A's friend over for dinner, and he claimed to like it. He ate it, at least.

This is a super earthy dish, rich with spices without being spicy-hot. It's very nice for the still-cold weather up here! We served it with rice, this egg curry, fat-free Greek yogurt standing in for real raita, and sliced oranges. Not too shabby. I ate the leftovers (pictured here) with roasted mushrooms and orange slices.

Indian Beans (modified Toor Dal)

2 c lentils

1 small navel orange, not peeled, cut into quarters

2 tsp ground coriander

2 tsp ground cumin

2 tbsp vegetable oil

1 tsp mustard seeds

1/2 tsp curry powder

1/4 tsp ground cloves

2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp ground turmeric

1 small can diced green chilies

1 (14-0z) can diced tomatoes

2 tbsp. molasses, honey or agave syrup

Rinse and pick over lentils. Remove any seeds from orange. Place lentils and orange in a medium sized saucepan. Cover with 4 c. water. Bring to a boil, then simmer, adding more water if needed, for about 30 minutes or until the lentils are soft. Remove orange sections and discard. Set lentils aside.

In a large pan, heat oil over low heat. Add the mustard seeds and allow to pop. Add other dry spices and cook for 1 minute. Add tomato and green chilies and cook 2-3 minutes. Add the sweetening of your choice, then stir in the lentils. Bring to a simmer and cook another 10 minutes. Season with salt to taste.

Elevated

A couple of weeks ago we went up to G's parents' property in the hills north of town to tool around and waste time on a Sunday afternoon.

It was spectacularly lovely.

Groovy tunes

Miriam requested my workout playlist. It is not a carefully crafted type deal. Just a collection of random stuff I had and/or got recommended by friends and/or got for free from Amazon's free tracks list. Whatever seemed motivational or had the right kind of pace, went on the list.

This baby goes on shuffle, and I skip songs if they aren't working for where I am in the workout at that moment. I also sometimes adjust the resistance on the elliptical so I can match the speed of the songs and stay challenged.

The Breeders: It's the Love
Coldplay: Death and All His Friends
The Breeders: Bang On
Gnarls Barkley: Charity Case
Gnarls Barkley: Run
Lenny Kravitz: Are You Gonna Go My Way?
Lenny Kravitz: Fly Away
Prince: U Got the Look
Prince: Kiss
Prince: 1999
Amy Winehouse: Rehab
Coldplay: Strawberry Swing
Gnarls Barkley: Surprise
Gnarls Barkley: She Knows
Ari Hest: The Weight
Bob Mould: Paralyzed
Caitlin Cary and Thad Cockrell: Second Option
Jack Johnson: Staple It Together
Jack Johnson: Breakdown
Los Lonely Boys: Senorita
Los Lonely Boys: Crazy Dream
Parker Brother: Your California
Sloan: Who Taught You to Live Like That?
The Chevelles: Get it On
Paul Simon: Proof
India Arie: Beautiful Day
Robert Plant and Alison Krauss: Fortune Teller
Gnarls Barkley: Going On
Ari Hest: Dead End Driving
David Bowie: All the Young Dudes
Paul Simon: Can't Run But
The Whigs: Kill Me Carolyn
The Ting Tings: That's Not My Name
OK Go: Here it Goes Again
Jupiter One: Countdown
Joss Stone: Fell in Love With a Boy
Michael Franti: Say Hey (I Love You)
Goldfrapp: Rocket
The Nadas: Long Goodbye
India Arie: Better Way
India Arie: Ghetto
Ari Hest: A Day a Week a Month a Year
Lenny Kravitz: Again

Dare I say

Diet? I have never wanted to blog about this a lot. I find it a strange combination of personal and boring, at least when it's a constant topic. Nonetheless ...

I have lost 14 pounds since we moved. Part of it is that I have been very consistent about going to the YMCA and have even joined a class, something I never thought I would be into. I am famously uncoordinated and not much of a joiner. Plus, the group fitness room at my gym in Merced was really a fishbowl. No, thanks.

But I like exercise now. The gym is my kid-free time, what with my husband working lots of hours in a new job, with living in a town where we have not yet figured out a good babysitter, and with not having any spare money for that babysitter anyway as we pay off our move and our last several months of living in California. And when I don't have a class (where I will, in fact, work a little harder just because Holly the teacher is there asking me to!) I have an MP3 player and an outstanding list of tunes to motivate me through 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 on the elliptical. (Those are the really good days!)

See, I'm avoiding the food topic. But in fact I have improved a bit on food, too, and the change has certainly helped.

Our bedroom and TV room are now not on the same floor as the refrigerator. So once we put the kids to bed and head downstairs for the evening, it's not so tempting to climb the stairs for a snack.

And I've been sticking pretty religiously with a no-seconds rule. Hard. I love good food. I cook pretty good food. It's really easy for me to keep eating after I should be done, when the food tastes good.

In January and February, the fam and I went on a no-sweets fast and donated what I felt we saved to a couple of different Haiti recovery efforts. This was a big help, no lie. I have a severe sweet tooth. It's better for me sometimes to just go cold turkey. After Easter, I think I need to do it again. Cursed Cadbury mini-eggs. Lucky for me they are seasonal.

I have a few other food principles, too. I will call them principles, not rules. Because there are always exceptions. If I start a plan with no exceptions, pretty soon I want to rebel. And that never turns out well. But at this point I think it is good for me to state them, to help myself stick to them.

First, eating lots and lots and lots of fresh produce. Mushrooms, asparagus, carrots, zucchini, broccoli, cauliflower, onions and cabbage are all great roasted in the oven with a little olive oil. Fabulous for lunch on a baked potato or a bed of greens. And just every once in a while I am buying veggies I don't normally get - radishes are great with salt! Most often I am avoiding animal products for lunch in this way - a great tip from my sister Mary. This does mean actually cooking myself something for lunch instead of grabbing whatever is easy. It takes more effort and I know I am very lucky to be able to do it right now.

Second, making sure I get good fats and antioxidant stuff to make me feel un-deprived: good olive oil, raw almonds, avocados, pomegranates, dark chocolate, strawberries, just yummy foods that are good for me and make me feel like I am having treats.

Third, using whole grain everything when it comes to carbs. Tortillas, breads, pasta, rice. When I make pancakes or cookies or anything I use half and half white and wheat flour.

Fourth, keeping a selection of herbal teas and agave syrup for sweetener on hand in the cupboard.

Fifth, I have been substituting coconut oil for butter in a lot baked goods. My mom gave me a big bucket of it. It is expensive but yummy and much better for you than butter. If you google it there are all kinds of crazy claims - who knows what's true about that. At Christmas I made sugar cookies with coconut oil in the dough and rum flavoring in the icing. They were awesome!

Sixth, I finally got a stainless steel water bottle. I love this. You all need one!

I generally do not like low fat and diet foods. I far, far prefer just eating good and natural foods, and if I am going to have something like butter or cheese or dessert, I just want the real thing in small amounts. But I do buy light salad dressings. The Newman's Own light dressings are fantastic - the lime one is my all time favorite! Hidden Valley's light ranch is good. I can't even remember the difference anymore; it's been so long since I had regular ranch. And I do buy light mayo also (BestFoods) when I buy mayo, although right now we are using homemade mayo made with olive oil that is delicious!

That's all for now. Here's hoping to hit 15 pounds down this week.

Egging on

Just some photos of our Easter egg exploits today. I had big ideas about doing the Martha Stewart silk tie method and even found several colorful silk ties for 50 cents apiece at my favorite thrift store (same one where I got the blue vinyl chair). But I didn't read the instructions and boiled all the eggs before dyeing. If you click the link you will see that is not how to do it. Moral: read the instructions before you do anything, anything at all, all you geniuses out there.

Thank goodness I had a straightforward PAAS kit stashed, thanks to Dana who sent it via Good Mail. Old skool.

Historical impulse

All through our Revolution and Constitution homeschool lessons, S and I both have yearned to go and see the places where our history took place. He especially wants to visit Monticello. Man, would that be fun!

Today, thanks to the incomparable architect of that place, our American History text brought our yearnings basically right to our doorstep. Well, compared with Monticello.

And it was in the high 50s today in southwest Montana. Not a day to stay indoors.

So we impulsively packed everybody up, threw some raisins and almonds and bread in the back of the car in case we got hungry, and headed for Missouri Headwaters State Park, near Three Forks, Montana. Here's where Lewis and Clark (and York and Sacagawea!) named the Jefferson and Madison rivers, realized they had no idea where to find the headwaters of the Columbia and perhaps began to clue in that there was no Northwest Passage. But wow, what a beautiful spot! And they were there in July instead of March ... I bet it was even more amazing.

We are so lucky to live in this awesome place!

Sweet pickles

This is a bit of a catch-up post.

For St. Patrick's Day last week (biggest holiday of the year here in Butte), we decided to try home-corned beef instead of buying a pre-pickled brisket. Mainly because I had a beef roast in the freezer, and I had the pickling spice, and I had a recipe in this cookbook.

When Dr. G's grandparents - pillars of business and social life in this town from the 1940s to the 1960s or so - passed away several years ago, we received a couple barrels of just ... stuff. Some of it, we couldn't use. Some of it was treasure. This was treasure. Great historical recipes, with a few handwritten notes from Grandma.

Here's the corned beef recipe.



We didn't have any saltpeter. Have you ever tried to find that? Yeah, good luck. We went looking for some once, for a science experiment S wanted to do. Unfound.

Also, we didn't pickle our beef for 12 days. Kinda hard to imagine doing that, honestly. We just soaked it for one day. So maybe what we were making was just corned-flavor marinated beef. That's ok. Maybe better.

I had a great helper.

Here's how the beef looked while marinating. I don't provide a lot of gross-out pictures on this blog; this might be my first, actually.

And this is really disappointing: I didn't take pictures of the finished product. It also looked kind of sick; boiled meat is never going to win in the plate-appeal category. But it did taste yummy.

Happy belated St. Paddy's day from the St. Paddy's capital of the Western U.S. We had fun.

Only dreaming

I've been working on our tax return. Because we were pretty much poorhouse material last year but still managed to buy a house in December, and because of economic stimulus tax credits, it's looking pretty good for us.

So I am dreaming about remodeling our kitchen. Maybe even this summer. More like, staying up all night, googling pictures and obsessing.

Want a peek into my dreams?

Pale blue glass mosaic tile backsplash. Super pretty, lots of light reflection, so pale it's pretty much neutral but will still make a nice contrast with the other materials I'm thinking about.

Copper countertop. I know I want copper in this kitchen - I like the idea of a coppery kitchen in the Copper City! Plus I love that it provides a sterilizable surface comparable to stainless steel, but with a warmer, less industrial look. I like it that you are SUPPOSED to let it show evidence of your work in the kitchen - ring marks and stuff are part of the patina.

The kind of faucet that turns on when you touch it with your elbow. This one is from Delta. I want that bad!

Medium-toned cabinets with integrated handles or possibly no handles. These are from IKEA but I'm not married to that. I like them.

More to come, I hope.

My kind of prize

Looky here! It's a blog prize where the reward is making a list of 10 things I love. Is this perfect for me? Thanks to Angela, my Idaho twin at Dilettantish. She and I have the same birthday and the same roll recipe. Our husbands' names rhyme. And we love a lot of the same things, so I'll try to think of original ones. You all already know I love my family and Lord of the Rings, anyway. Fun stuff.

1. I love the moment when my four children are all safely tucked in bed, read to, kissed and hugged, told of my love for them, and I sign off mommy duty for the day. Good night!

2. I love sunshine on a fresh snowfall, when everything is so, so bright, and the dark, pine-covered mountains look misty gray under a brilliant blue sky. I didn't think I missed winter while I lived in California, and maybe I really didn't. But I am enjoying it now that I am here.

3. I love an honest three-year-old who uses her amazing verbal skills to say things like, "Your pants are falling down. Maybe you should wear a belt," or "You smell like eggs," or (while I am trying to take stickers off a new set of plastic tumblers from Dollar Tree) "Why do they make this so hard?"

4. I love the gas fireplace in my bedroom. It is rock and roll. It is a perfect cozy place for homeschool reading, a toe toaster for watching movies at night. And romantic, yes.

5. I love stretching to the tune of a Beethoven piano sonata after Total Body Fitness with Holly at the YMCA on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, then chatting with Jenny and Renee for a few minutes before I either hop on the elliptical or head home.

6. I love vegetables roasted in the oven with a little bit of olive oil, salt and pepper. Mushrooms, asparagus, broccoli, peppers, sweet potatoes, zucchini, tomatoes. Piled on a baked potato for lunch or served beside whatever we are having for dinner. Yum, yum, yummy.

7. I love teaching my 5th grade, homeschooling son about the American Revolution and the Constitution. Frequently I get all teary. This has been a great experience!

8. I love music. I love my workout playlist, packed with Gnarls Barkley, Prince, Lenny Kravitz, Joss Stone, The Breeders, Jupiter One, OK Go, Los Lonely Boys, and more stuff. Sometimes I also listen to it when I am cooking dinner. Very motivational. I love the local radio station that plays mostly 1980s - from Tom Petty to the Cure and sometimes even Indigo Girls and Elvis Costello. Even when they play stuff I hated in the 80s, I kind of love it, and I know all the words. I love the flavor of public radio here in Montana - it has less of the NPR headquarters programming and more local music shows - a folk show, a classical show, a children's show, a whatever-music-they-want-to-play show. Where else would I hear new music from Peter Gabriel? I am super excited for the national Folk Festival here in town in July. If you want to come, you should stay with me.We will make it a massive house party and I will cook for you. Wouldn't it be fun?

9. I love a good children's book, picture-illustrated or otherwise. Having kids is a great excuse for reading this stuff. Just finished "The Name of This Book is Secret." Excellent, fun, super. I love the public library. I love how everyone is all quiet in the car on the way home, perusing their new reading materials. I love books on CD; they are my new outstanding trick for driving with kids in the car. We listened to "Redwall" and "Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull." Now we are working on "The Magician's Nephew."

10. I love my minivan (a 2002 Honda Odyssey). I love that there's enough room for four kids to sit without being on top of each other. I love how comfortable it is to drive. I love how easily it maneuvers into surprising spots. I love that it is shiny white with an Obama-Biden 2008 sticker. I love how the back seat folds down to accommodate my thrift-store furniture finds. A minivan is marvelous. And for the record, I was never someone who felt ambivalent about driving one. I was always cool with it.

So, clearly I have a lot of love, but not for tagging people. So if you like this consider yourself awarded with the "10 Things I Love" blog award. Otherwise, no big.

V-word

A took a moment at dinner tonight to explain to Z how one progresses through Primary.

A: "First I was a Sunbeam like you, and then I was in the next class, and the next class, and the next class, and the next class, and now I'm a Valentine."

At least he didn't say "Violent." When newlywed G and I taught that class we called them the "Violent Bs." For good reason, too.

A is actually more of a sweetheart. And Valiant. That, too.

Antidote

If you wake up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed ...

If your neck hurts like you've been carrying an anvil on top of your head all day ...

If you have kicked your own behind in your exercise attempts all week long ...

If the gym is closed today for a regional swim meet ...

If you have an adorable, chubby three-year-old to be your workout buddy ...

I recommend this.

Also some ibuprofen. I mean, come on. Let's not be dumb.

Spike

This is a post about volleyball. Its title certainly has nothing to do with the fact that I am almost through an eight-month project of watching the entire series of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer on DVD from Netflix.

Really. (I hope you appreciate my honesty. Some people might try to hide their nerdiness on their blogs, but not me. Oh, no. Next thing you know I will be sneaking in Star Trek references.)

On with the show.

In my new location, the thing the ladies get together and do for social time is playing volleyball. I have a lot of friends who play volleyball. They love it. They play it well. They are sometimes a little serious about it, which I can understand. I am sometimes a little serious about things I love and do well. But volleyball is not one of those things for me.

I've been invited to join the Thursday-night volleyball game. I have told them that I have basically some kind of disability when it comes to sports and that I would be a liability to any team I joined. They swear it is just for fun and I would be welcome.

I know I would embarrass myself horrifically. I am pretty sure that, despite their protestations that my utter ineptitude didn't matter, they would sort of wish I weren't there messing things up. Not to mention, the Thursday night when Dr. G gets home in time for me to make it to a 6:30 recreational hour is going to be a pretty rare beast. Hardworking, devoted man.

And I don't really want to play volleyball.

I do, however, really want to be friends.

Ideas?

Processing

It's probably pretty obvious to anybody with much life experience at all, but I'll say it anyway. When we experience major losses in our lives, we don't get over it all at once. It is a long, long process reconciling what we wanted with what we got, our dreams with our realities. Sometimes the process stalls and we forget about it or maybe even think we're done with it. And then it kicks up again and we grind through more days of feeling unsettled and trying to understand.

I do think that's probably just about universal. That's one reason why I wrote the "we" and the "us" there. The other reason is that loss is also extremely personal. It's hard to jump in and just say, "This is what I'm going through." First person plural kind of eases the entry.

For me, one big ongoing loss-adjustment process is (duh, surprise) infertility.

Really, after 15 years, yeah, it still is. Sorry. Not over it.

It is true that I no longer have that raw, horrible, need-a-baby, why-am-I-not-good-enough pain. Thank God. The adoption of my perfectly paradoxical, beautiful and challenging first son in 1999 cured that. Big step, big big big step.

I don't even have the exciting spur of baby hunger. I don't see babies and think there are more for me, somewhere in the world. A lot of times I'm not even dying to hold them. I mean, I will, and I like them. But I don't want more kids. Four is a great number for me. I am delighted with the family Dr. G. and I have labored to build. I love it that no one wears diapers at our house these days. I eagerly anticipate having all my kids in school and gaining a few precious hours of my own for writing or errands or maybe a Master's degree.

I am not often embittered now by the mystifying women's ritual of sharing (sometimes gory and horrible) birth stories. The stupid comments ("Do you run a group home?" or "Don't you ever wish you had your own kids?") roll off me. The nursing nazis don't really get to me anymore. Even intentional slights from people who think they know how to push my buttons -- not that there are a lot, but I have seen them -- meh. Maybe because I know I have walked through fire for my kids, I don't have adoption insecurity these days.

The thing that is under my skin now: I've thought a lot about it, and I think it is pure biological clock. I'll be 36 next month. Many, many women my age who have never given birth get this restlessness about it. Normal. It's just that a lot of them don't have four kids.

I have beautiful, amazing nieces and nephews who share bits of my genetic material, and they tug at my heart in a way that I never anticipated. The way my nephew's hair bends in the back just like mine, the creamy pink of his sister's cheek, the something about the eyes of my brother's daughter or the dark blonde color of her little pageboy -- these things just give me a twinge of longing. Some extended family members have been working on scanning old pictures, several from the 1970s. I was a really, really cute baby (and so was G) and it is a darned shame for the aesthetic quality of the general population of human children, for both of us to be the end of the genetic line.

When we decided to abandon infertility treatments in favor of adoption at the end of 1998, I decided that it just didn't matter if my kids looked like me, if I saw traces of my interests and talents in them. Well, maybe I was wrong. It matters, a little. Maybe it is ok for me to just say, it makes me kind of sad.

And I feel like I can say that without taking anything away from the amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, fun kids God has given me. I remember talking to my OB/GYN in Salt Lake when my big boys were little. She was having a baby at 41 and joked with me that that would probably happen to me. At the time, it sounded pretty good. I thought maybe I would have the gorgeous rainbow of kids I was starting to gather up, and still get the pregnancy, childbirth, genetic continuation thing, too -- just a little later.

But now I think my window is closing. Not that it has to. But if I had another child, if I used some of the advanced treatments I eschewed before, it would just be selfish. It wouldn't be because I want to give something to that child. It would be just my own wanting to have a certain experience, to see a little me. Not to mention, I most often feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew with my four, and I really would like to have my youngest be my little Z, graduating from high school when I am only in my early 50s and letting me explore and accomplish some other things.

So I am really thinking about purposefully saying we are done, getting off the roller coaster permanently, taking care of the issues that incapacitate me physically a couple of days each month and give me emotional problems for about 20% of my life. That is a lot of life to give up for a dream that isn't really happening. I think there's more for me to do than just cope.

And that's where I am in the process, 15 years later.