Laying claim

Over the weekend I was listening to some conference talks on my little mp3 player while folding laundry. This is good because then you can ignore all the kids' mundane requests for things they can really do themselves, like bringing them a blanket while their butts grow into the mattress where they are lying playing Lego Star Wars. And you can get a lot more done and just be like, "Oh, I didn't hear you."

Anyway I heard this talk. About claiming God's promises in your life. It moved me very deeply.

(I was standing at the kitchen counter weeping in a "Together Forever" crying-over-the-sliced-tomatoes kind of pose. Except I think what I was doing was making Ovaltine for K, because he is cocoa-loco and also very loud, loud enough to be heard over the mp3 player.)

Maybe it was so emotional for me because it touched on the pain of wanting but not having children. That is a pain that will always be close to my heart, even though I now think I have all the children I want.

But I think the talk was about a lot more than the promise of children. That was just one example.

We are at a place now where we are just on the verge of the fulfillment of a lot of things. The completion of G's education. Maybe a job. The adoption of our last (I think) two kids. I want these things to be promises fulfilled. I want to deserve them.

I think in some ways we do deserve them. Let's face it, we have worked our butts off for the last 15 years trying to get educated and adopt our kids. We have earned what we are maybe about to get, which is a great job that G can never lose (professors may not make a lot, but the job security pretty much can't be beat) and a completed family, final and forever, sealed in the temple and in God's eyes as if they were born to us.

But when it gets this close you also see that it's really all out of your control. Nobody has to give G a job. Nobody has to give us these kids.

And in a lot of ways we don't deserve the very best. I am still too prideful to give a public account of all my flaws and mistakes and sins, but I sure know what they are. And in bad moments I wonder how anyone could possibly really trust me with these kids, and whether I have been supportive enough to get G through this program in time to take a job this fall, and if it's really possible that three unbelievably, life-changingly good things could happen to us in one week, two weeks from now.

That's when we have two scheduled TPR hearings (March 11 and 13) and there is also a hiring committee meeting that will supposedly make a decision about the job G interviewed for this week (March 10).

But when I heard this, I think I knew:

"I pray that each of us will embrace these exceeding great and precious promises and never let go. And just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you."

I don't know the future. But I know that's true, God will remember me, and G, and all these crazy little kids playing Wii for 12 hours straight and begging for cocoa and pulling all the books off the bookshelves.

I get so nervous, the last few weeks, and I know that's going to continue to plague me until things are settled. But I also know I have tried my best, at least most of the time, and I'm truly sorry for the times when I haven't, and I know I can trust the Lord.

Rainy weekend with 4 kids

And just me on the grownups' team.

Give me some ideas.

I am starting to panic.

What have you been doing, Mama?

• Job hoping.
• House dreaming.
• Baby snuggling.
• Clothes shopping. (Check the clearance at Sears right now for your kids. It's amazing!)
  
• In-law hosting.
• Pizza eating.
• Soup cooking. (Based on this chicken and couscous, with some garbanzo beans thrown in for good measure. It made lovely soup!)
  
• Library patronizing.
• Garden planning.
• Candle smelling.
• Wii losing.

The kids have been off school, and I ended up with three days off work through various means. It's been fun.

News from the hearing this morning

The hearing went well. Things are not as final as we would like yet but they seem to be headed in the right direction.

We petitioned for de facto parent status. This allows us to be at all court hearings and to be represented by an attorney. This was granted.

We petitioned for the court to declare us prospective adoptive parents. This makes it so that Z cannot be moved from our home unless they can prove it is not in her best interests to stay. This was also granted.

We petitioned for a release of all records from the county human services agency to our attorney. This was granted.

The main purpose of the hearing which was the termination of parental rights was delayed. The agency is still checking into alleged Native American heritage from S because of the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA). They have sent out notification to all tribes named and some have responded but not all. This sounds a bit scary and it is true that ICWA can derail an adoption, but only if it is not done properly. It is actually good that they are making sure it is all done properly. Neither S nor her mother (who claims Native American heritage) are registered with any tribe. Likelihood of a tribe interfering in an adoption is very small, but they have to be notified or it will really screw things up.

The new hearing will be March 11. That is the same week as K's TPR hearing. So it will be a big week for sure.

S, her cousin, the cousin's husband, and Z's bio dad were all at this hearing. It was a little nerve wracking but all things considered it came out really well.

366.26 hearing tomorrow

That's the code for a permanency planning hearing.

From everything we are hearing now there are two possible outcomes:

1 - they could TPR and approve adoptive placement with us

2 - they could continue the hearing (postpone it) if S's attorney requests that (apparently he does that a lot ... loser)

Either way will work in our favor. More time will only give us firmer ground to stand on with Z. The longer she is with us the more likely the judge would be to agree that she needs to stay with us.

Your continued prayers and good thoughts are much appreciated!!

A day called hope

Guess what I did today.

I stayed home all day with four kids. Well, home except for a two-hour park outing. And I didn't throttle anybody. I don't think I've even yelled, except for calling people to tell them it was time to leave the park.

It was going remarkably smoothly until just now when I sent them all to absorb the last of the day's sunlight. They decided to play in the hose. Baby, too. It's kind of warm now, but not that warm. Then, at my insistence, they came in and fought over the Nintendo. Not even the Wii. The old Nintendo, the N64 or SuperNintendo or whatever the heck it is. Total knock-down drag-out. So now they are all on their beds crying.

But *I* didn't throttle them, and if they throttle each other, that's their own darn problem.

So maybe I can do this again, someday.

To eat by candlelight

You know G and me, we really go all out. Our entire Valentine's Day plan consisted of putting the kids to bed and then having a nice, simple dinner together before catching up on House online and folding laundry.

It's more romantic than you think to go to bed knowing the laundry is all folded.

Anyhow, I thought you might enjoy instructions for how to recreate my romantic dinner. Wine and butter are inherently sensuous ingredients, and we loved the sweet-sharp flavor of the marjoram with the wine and the velvety polenta studded with sweet, crispy corn kernels.

This is really kind of four different dishes, but I am just writing it as one recipe to show you how to do things in order so they're all done at once. Sometimes that's tricky for me, but with this dinner things go really fast so you can just take it one step at a time.

Valentine Chicken Fillets with Soft Sweet-corn Polenta and Sauteed Vegetables

1 red bell pepper, julienned
1 yellow bell pepper, julienned
4 c loose raw spinach, washed and stemmed
1 small clove garlic, minced or pressed

5 tsp. butter, divided

2 chicken breasts, pounded thin

1 tsp. dried marjoram, divided
salt and pepper
3/4 c. white wine

4 c. water
3/4 c. yellow corn meal
1/2 c. corn kernels, thawed if they were frozen

1. Set 4 c. water to boil in a large saucepan with 1 tsp. salt.

2. Melt 1 tsp. butter over medium-high heat in a skillet. Saute bell peppers with salt, pepper and about 1/2 tsp. marjoram. Divide in two and place on plates.

3. Melt 1 more tsp. butter in the same skillet. Add garlic and spinach. Saute until wilted. Divided in two and place on plates.

4. By this time the water should be boiling. Slowly add the corn meal in a thin stream, whisking thoroughly to avoid lumps. Reduce heat to medium low and simmer, whisking occasionally while you complete the remaining steps.

4. Season chicken breasts with salt, pepper and 1/2 tsp. marjoram. Melt 1 more tsp. butter in skillet and brown chicken lightly on both sides. Add wine and cook it until you're comfortable enough alcohol has boiled off and/or until chicken is cooked through. Plate the chicken.

5. Reduce remaining liquid in pan by about half to two-thirds. Stir in another teaspoon of butter and salt and pepper to taste.

6. Stir corn and last teaspoon of butter into polenta. Plate polenta (you will not use it all ... I like to have leftover polenta).

7. Pan sauce goes over chicken and polenta.

8. Serve by candlelight.

By the way, we are going out tonight ... we have to dress G for his upcoming job interview trip. Should be interesting. Those of you who have shopped with my husband know. I am planning on an In-n-Out Burger, animal style, to fortify me for the experience.

Made over

What do you think?

Three words

O! Ba! Ma!

Services and stuff

It's back: My periodic list of cool stuff and links.

Do you like how I make no promises about having a weekly list, a monthly list ... no, it's a periodic list. I've been working in PR for 10 years now, with some breaks, and I have definitely learned the value of the nebulous non-promise.

1. KickItBack.com. If you ever buy on eBay you can start getting cash back on your purchases. If you buy a lot on eBay you might get a lot back. I know some of you creative, entrepreneurial types (ahem, Dana, Kris) make a lot of eBay purchases buying your supplies; this is your chance to get a new revenue stream going for your business. Or if you are like me, always buying new cords for your electronics to replace the ones the kids chewed through (why are you looking at me so funny?) or browsing for fun vintage finds, you can feel a little better about all the cash you blow through PayPal. If you sign up, make sure to tell them I referred you. The name is shawsinmn. Because when I first signed up for eBay ... oh, it's a long, privacy-compromising story. So, never mind.

2. You might remember how much I have loved finding a wonderful food blog written by a nearby person, Simply Recipes. What's local and seasonal for her is local and seasonal for me. But what if I move to a new place? Well, I am checking out Kalyn's Kitchen. And wondering if I am related to the author. She looks kind of familiar, and I think I am related to about 50 percent of the state of Utah.

3. This is just a fun idea. Sometime when it is Sunday night and you want to stay up late to keep Monday from happening, commandeer the family Wii and make some Miis that resemble members of your extended family. Monday night, have a family baseball game on Wii Sports. It was very fun to cheer on all our aunts, uncles and cousins, not to mention Grandma and Grandpa, even though S and A were the ones doing all the pitching and batting. It turned out that the best hitters were somehow all the girls under 2 - my Z, my sister's daughter R, and my brother's fast-growing preemie sweetheart A. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I made them all short and chubby. The boys got a kick out of it. I got a kick out of it, too, because if you ever made my family play a real baseball game we would all start having bad flashbacks to PE (we all hated it) and probably end up comatose in the outfield from the trauma. But I rock at Wii sports and I bet my family would, too.

4. I am surrendering control of my menu and joining a community-supported agriculture group through Willey Farms. There is another one I seriously considered, Silveira Farms. It is closer and I actually know the family. But my office mate is doing Willey and we can split a box so it's cheaper. I am so economically motivated, it is kind of pathetic. But anyway this is exciting because I am going one step more organic! And local and seasonal! And look at me break away from my neurotic menu and shopping list! I long to find a local dairy that delivers. Then I could just do a monthly trip to Costco for meat and Cinnamon Toast Crunch and be free, free from the grocery grind ...

5. If you have adopted within the last year you may be able to find a photographer to do a free session with your family through Celebrating Adoption. There is some beautiful work on this site. As you might know, I am hoping to be able to use it really soon! Photographers who want to get on board can do so, too!

6. My sisters, very unfeelingly if you ask me, recently went to get their hair cut without me at a hoity toity salon. Well. This is where I get my hair cut. It is as hoity toity as you get in my town and I'm very happy with it. Highly recommended. It's one of the benefits of living in a small town: The best is really not out of reach. (Same was true for preschools; I sent A to this place - the best in town - for less than $500/month, full time.) While both these joints need a little website help, the quality of service really has been great.

7. If you have given up on scrapbooking in favor of blogging (raise your hand with me, girls) but still love the feminine look of a flowery, cute scrapbook page, check out Kris' new blog backgrounds. Free, free, free! And as cute as the URL suggests! Sigh ... my friends are so talented. I want one but I want it purple and proprietary, so no big changes at Watch Out for Mama today, folks.

8. Actually I am making first-year scrapbooks for K and Z, with the help of 8x8 scrapbooking kits like these. Why did I not do it this way before? It's tons faster, easier and better looking. I am tempted to redo the books I made for S and A so many years ago. Maybe sometime. Not now.

That's it for the moment. More stuff coming ... in a while.

And that ain't all

Social worker visiting this afternoon told us ...

If we sign a simple agreement to maintain sibling relationships, they will recommend us for Z as well.

I am so amazed. His promises are sure, and nothing is impossible.

Adoption woot!

The county is officially recommending us to adopt K! This is good, good news!

Almost grown

This is so exciting: my husband is short-listed for a faculty job!

It is almost like I am going to have a real, grown-up life!

The stars must align and heaven must smile on us for this job to pan out, and for the foster kids to turn into just regular kids (of ours!) within the next six months so that we can move all together. People ask me that a lot. What would have to happen is that we'd have to get them in adoptive placement rather than foster placement, and then we should be able to do an Interstate Compact for Placement of Children and just move all together. And I would go contract and keep doing work for my current workplace, just like I did with my job from before S was born. But with 4 more years experience I can charge a lot more!

We are praying our guts out. If it works, we will have our dream life. Seriously, I can't imagine much of anything that would be better.

It's a very happy day! Even just the dreaming is very, very fun!

Can't believe it

Corollary to the Music Wednesday post:

Look what I just found through that Double X blog entry! It's The Affordable Floors!

Do you know how many times I have googled that and found nothing? Nothing! Not that I am admitting to spending a lot of time googling defunct local bands from Pittsburgh. Oh, no. But oh my gosh!

If anybody, anybody knows where I can get a recording of these guys, please tell me. I wore out my bootleg cassette. Yeah, I know that was illegal. But I didn't even have a CD player then, and I was only what, 14?

Maybe it is not as good as I remember it, I don't know. But the nostalgia will fill in any gaps.

Music Wednesday

It's pretty much a good thing I don't have any extra money right now, because I wouldn't know where to put it.

There's new music out by lots of artists who, in a more carefree time, always merited my CD money. And I've recently found a passel of new musicians to like and listen to.

For serious, Jack Johnson, Sheryl Crow, and Lenny Kravitz all have new albums right now. I am loving Ben Harper, Ari Hest (I know, I told you that already, a few times), SiA, Sara Bareilles, Cat Power, Amos Lee, and all the rest you will see in my list at bottom right.

What to do, what to do ... oh yeah, keep listening to all I want for a measly $12/month on Rhapsody.

The more pressing question: which would I have voted for if they were all in a Screamer of the Week contest*? Sigh. Little waver girl, all grown up and probably boring.

*I actually cast my Screamer of the Week votes between December 1988 and Julyish 1989 at 100.7 "Double X" WXXP in Pittsburgh. Scream if you remember me calling over and over for "Suedehead" by Morrissey!

Happy Primary Tuesday!

I am so excited to go out and vote.

Cold play

As in cold playground. Although our favorite babysitter did teach A the intro to "Clocks" on the piano (you know, Coldplay) and that was one good reason for leaving the house this past Saturday. It had to happen, before somebody killed somebody.

This is a pretty cool little park in the new neighborhood near my work that I would love to live in and now with the housing bust could maybe afford, but considering that G is almost done with a Ph.D. it might not be a good time for us to sock a bunch of money into a house here. Plus the houses are right.on.top.of.each.other. Ick.

Anyway it was dang cold out there, but I got some cute pictures of the kids.

Z toddled around in the wood chips and only did a couple of face plants.



A (ever the fashion innovator, you will notice) conquered the spiderweb. That mark between his eyes came from a fight with a gate at the afterschool program. Ouch.



K rocked the swings. I can't wait until he learns to pump. I don't mind standing there pushing when it is nice outside. But when the weather's like this I just want to go hide in the jungle gym.



Which is what S did. He is increasingly photo-shy lately - such a mystery because he is really incredibly handsome. Not that you can tell from this fetal-position pose. He got much happier once we got back home and out of the cold.



These two are just too funny not to include. Click to enlarge if you want the full effect of the facial expressions.



And lest you start believing that I somehow don't have a favorite child, I offer you Z's big cheese smile.



Finally, the hottie husband. I really am so lucky.



I am ready for spring, now.

When you say nothing at all

Sometimes it's because you don't have anything nice to say.

Another great place to put your money

Even just a little bit of it.

Owlhaven's blanket party

Does he deserve it?

If not, you can always treat yourself.

This from my brilliant-with-the sweet-stuff sister, formerly of Thanksgiving Point's pastry operation and Bouchon Bakery (I almost said Barkery, ha! Apparently that had more to do with the continually-running "Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack she had to listen to all day) in Vegas.

Have you ever noticed that all Valentine gifts are made for women? I never know what to do for my husband for Valentine's Day. (Besides the obvious, of course.) Well this year I was thinking, what man doesn't love cookies? So, I made a cookie bouquet full of the biggest, chewiest, most delicious chocolate cookies you'll find and decorated them as non-girly as I possibly could, and VOILA! A Valentine gift any man would be ecstatic to receive. Or, if your husband is anything like mine, just go ahead and buy one for yourself! They are only $30 and I can even ship it for a little extra. Let me know if you want one for your husband or for you!

Editing to add: THIS IS NOT ME making the cookies. I love them but I am not cool enough to make them and no matter how many times you ask me I could not make, decorate or mail them to you within the next two weeks. Click on the link on "let me know" above to e-mail my sister who would love to make them for you. Or your husband. Honestly, who deserves chocolate cookies more? Be truthful.

Hooky

On the way to work this morning, I saw a kid, maybe 13 or 14, walking along the side of the road where there was no sidewalk. He had a giant mop of black hair in big, loose curls under his hooded sweatshirt, and beautiful olive skin. He was walking in the direction of the high school, but a long way away, and it was almost an hour after the start of classes. And he was just sauntering along and smiling.

Remember how fun it was to ditch school? How the day stretched before you? How free you felt, when no one on earth knew where you were, and how your feet could take you anywhere?

Touched

My co-worker just stopped by to express condolences on the death of President Gordon B. Hinckley. This would be thoughtful from any one of my non-Mormon colleagues, but it's particularly touching because this co-worker is (among many other fascinating facets of her life) lesbian. It would be easy for her to assume that I'm against her because of my faith. Wrong, but easy and understandable. She doesn't make that assumption. I'm grateful for that.

I hope this expression of her respect and caring for me is an indication that I have shown respect and caring for her. I do try. I feel now like I want to try even more. ("Be a little better," in the words of our late beloved prophet.)

It seems to me like an appropriate way to remember a leader who made many amazing changes to the Church - and express my hope that more changes are yet to come.

Give me some words

For a child who is extremely nervous about the possibility of serving a mission. He does not at all like the thought of leaving home for anything, especially not for two years with almost no contact. Well, OK, he is still interested in the military, but I don't know if he realizes he has to leave home for that, too. All I've said about that is that I expect him to go to college first.

I tell him over and over that it is his choice and no one is going to make him go on a mission. He still thinks I am going to make him go. I honestly don't know why he thinks that, or how he thinks I am going to force him to be a missionary when I can't even force him to eat his veggies.

Is he getting pressure from other quarters? I don't like that.

On the other hand, I hate for him to make up his mind against it when he really doesn't have to make a decision for 11 more years, at least.

In this corner

We have one mama bear with a power drill ...

One daddy with amazing faith ...

And one she-bulldog attorney who will call certain people on all their she-bull****. Where of course the asterisks stand for "crap" and certainly not any taboo words.

We are so keeping this baby.

Not that said attorney gave us any nonsense or unrealistic guarantees. But I just feel really, really optimistic.

And so grateful for legal insurance. Otherwise this would cost us $350/hour. Yowza!

A C'sTR

A story from my incredible edible 6-year-old A:

"My friend Isaac was sad because somebody changed the chart today and he was supposed to be the line leader and somebody put my name on line leader instead. I asked myself, 'what would Jesus want me to do?' Then I put his name on the line leader place. I felt the Holy Ghost and water came from my eyes. Then Isaac laughed at me and more water came from my eyes."

When all else fails, bullet

My friend, the bulleted list, would like to give you an update on my life.

• Me and my DeWalt fixed the box springs, which suffered from a splintered support system. Once I took the fabric off the underside, I could see that it was very cheaply made with thin pine boards and nails, not screws - surprising considering what was spent on this mattress set. Anyway now I love my bed again. Ahhhhhhh.
  
• I did nine loads of laundry this weekend, including clean sheets for the whole famdamily.
• Regarding us, digging in:
• We have an appointment to see an attorney on Thursday regarding Z and the second cousin and the upcoming TPR hearing.
  
• The more I think about it the more I think the county is basically out to screw us over so that they can place two children (Z with the second cousin and some other child with us) instead of one. If they would be nice they could place another child with us, assuming we still live here when Z turns two later this year. As it stands, G is resolved never to work with them again and I am leaning the same way. I am trying to figure out how to tell them this without sounding like quite such a raging bwitch. I am hoping the attorney will have some ideas.
  
• I am also planning to have her review our applications for de facto parent status for Z and K and make sure they get on the schedule and that the judge doesn't just throw them out, which is what happened before. And I need to have her review some letters we have drafted to the social workers to make sure we are not saying anything that will jeopardize future action if it is needed, and tell us what if anything we can do if the social workers decide to place Z with the cousin and give K's mom a chance.
  
• Our great prayer is still that the second cousin will realize that her plan to adopt Z is not actually in Z's best interests now that Z is 14 months old and attached to a family. I think this could, maybe happen. Or maybe she will not pass her homestudy. She is not all the way through, yet.
  
• We have had amazing spiritual experiences and promises about this situation. Truly amazing, dreams and temple experiences and you name it. There is a huge chasm between those experiences and the current reality. One step enough for me ... right now I think maybe this is how we learn what faith really is. Not wishful thinking coming from our own desires, but trusting God's promises. Even when it seems impossible. Am I brave enough to do that? It really takes a lot of courage because it will hurt so much if I am mistaken.
  
• If the steps don't look like they are going the way we want them to, we are fighting this. We just are. How could I face myself - and my kids - if I did not do everything in my power to keep this child?
• A is going to be tested for the gifted program. I will also elect to have S retested. He almost made it last year but his writing skills were not quite up to par. This year he has improved so much, it could happen. The program is at the same school where S bussed for kindergarten three years ago. Way the heck across town. I have mixed feelings about this but I would go for it if both my big boys make it in. If nothing else it would mean I could drop them off half an hour earlier in the morning to take the bus from their current neighborhood school to the program school, and start my workday at a normal time. Then again, it may be moot depending on the outcome of various career and location questions. We shall see.
• Weight Watchers. I'm telling this big secret. I joined last week. It is easy for me during the week, hard on weekends. OK, so I know now what I need to work on!
• We put the Wii away last night. I think we will not take it out again until Friday. I am looking forward to this. However I think we are also going to get a couple more remotes so we can play more as a family.
• I just remembered I have $45 in Target gift cards that I was going to give as Christmas presents that I never got around to. SCORE - perhaps I can replace our DVD player(s). One pooped out and the other one got sat on and dropped and started randomly flashing on and off. Then S misinterpreted my injunction not to smash them with a hammer to mean that it would be ok if he simply took them completely apart with a screwdriver. I didn't even get mad. Because he really did think I meant that would be OK.
  
• Basically, we cannot keep anything nice to save our lives. My home is one eternal repair job. I am trying to just accept it.
  
• Z can walk! She looks like a chubby little cream-and-chocolate straight-legged Frankenstein with rosy cheeks and long bangs in her eyes. Superdecute! She is so pleased with herself.
• Remember when K couldn't talk? Now he can't shut up. Saturday I tickled him under one arm. He said to me, "I do have another one," and raised his other arm to be tickled. Just delightful. Witnessing the progress of my children is honestly my very greatest joy. He adores hot cocoa, so I bought Ovaltine. Vitamins and chocolate, made for each other.
  
• I re-made the chicken and pumpkin enchiladas this week with caramelized onion and cumin and cloves. Also my blender jar was broken by a curious now-toddler, so the sauce was chunky instead of smooth. Still, much better.
• I have so much excitement and dreaming that I can't even share right now. Remember how I can't blog about my husband's career? I will tell you, I think he is really going to be done with his Ph.D. before fall. I think my job situation will change one way or another. And I think I may have an actual home of my own, somewhere, somehow.

That's all from the bff of the lazy writer.

Quote of the week

From the Jan. 15 BYU Devotional by Elder Henry B. Eyring:

“In education and in life you will face stumbling blocks and opposition. You can go forward with confidence. If you start determined to qualify for God’s power of deliverance, not just in education but in all the trials of mortality, you will succeed,” President Eyring told students.

“You will be strengthened. You will be guided around barriers. Help and comfort will come. Your faith in Heavenly Father and the Savior will be increased. And you will be strengthened to resist evil. You will feel the Gospel of Jesus Christ working in your life,” he said.

At a loss

I haven't known what to post lately on this blog. Maybe it is because this blog is where I am usually tough and smart and strong (or where I emphasize those parts of myself), and I'm not feeling too much like any of those things. I am battling fear right now regarding our foster kids. It is a constant struggle to stay positive and productive. Mostly I am winning, but it takes everything I've got. So I haven't had much left for you, dear readers. Sorry about that.

Hey Mikey!

They ate them!

Pumpkin Pancakes

1.5 c. skim milk
1 egg
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
2 tbsp. cider vinegar
3 tbsp. brown sugar
1 c. pumpkin puree (solid pack pumpkin from a can is perfect)

1 c. whole wheat flour
1 c. all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. allspice
1/2 tsp. ground ginger

Mix all liquid ingredients plus sugar in one bowl. Whisk or sift all dry ingredients in another. Mix them together until everything is just moist. It is thick for pancake batter. You want it that way; if you thin it you will lose some pumpkin flavor.

Ladle in 1/4 c. portions onto a lightly oiled or sprayed 350 degree skillet. Spread the batter into pancake shape with the bottom of the ladle. Cook until they begin to puff. You will not see the bubbles on these like you do with normal pancakes. That's ok. Then flip and cook until the edges are dry.

Serving ideas:

• butter and maple syrup
• peanut butter and marmalade
• plain yogurt and molasses (my fave, but I am weird, ok?)
• honey and cinnamon
  
• just plain pancakes for hungry babies

I seriously cannot believe the kids ate these, with an actual vegetable in them, but they totally did. Like hotcakes.

Of course, I told them they were gingerbread pancakes. I'm not dumb, you know. Motherhood is all about marketing.

Hey, you, get outta my stall

I have a few questions, none of which, I'm sure, will reveal any of my personal biases or neuroses.

• Do you have a preferred stall in the public restroom you most frequently use?
• Do you delude yourself that it is less gross to use a public restroom if you use the same stall every time?
• Did you know that the FIRST stall in the bathroom is actually the least frequently used and therefore presumably the least germy? (Do you think I'm giving away my stall secrets?)
  
• Do you feel annoyed if you go to use the bathroom and someone else is in your stall?
• Do you feel disgusted and horrified if you go into your stall and someone has failed to flush?
• Do you think the world may be ending if the toilet in your stall is out of commission?
• Do you use the paper seat liners?
• Do you think they really protect you from anything?
• What do you do if they are gone? Make a little toilet-paper liner? Squat? Cry?
  

Knocking it out and meditating

It might seem hard to knock out your to-do list and meditate at the same time, but when you are driving around in a van with a broken stereo, you actually have quite a bit of time to think.

My list is decreasing significantly because I took a day off work today to beat it down. I am feeling pretty good!

I have also been thinking about what I read last night in Matthew 12:

36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.

37 For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

Fitting, seeing as how I got myself into a little internet tiff over something stupid. I need to learn to be more careful and more sensitive, even when I think I'm joking.

The crappy list

I e-mailed it to G asking him to take some of it. What ones do you think he'll volunteer for?

Kid stuff

1. fix dependent care account mess & request remaining funds
2. contact foster kids’ attorneys to reiterate that we want to adopt them
3. check on status of de facto parent status for Z. Re-file if necessary. File for de facto parent status for K.
4. Call the county regarding the adoptions worker who was supposed to visit.
5. get attorney recommendations from [attorney friend]
6. engage an attorney (After recommendations) – work with ARAG to get special referral status
7. Make a 1y checkup appt for Z at KidsCare
8. Make an eye appt for Z with [family optometrist]
9. Make a WIC appt

Errands

1. Get stereo fixed in minivan
2. exchange MP3 player
3. Board to go under bed (our bed was busted - whether by energetic jumping kids or exhausted, flopping grownups, we may never know)

House stuff

1. Take down Christmas lights
2. Finish putting away Christmas stuff
3. Fix cupboard door
4. Finish new job board and system
5. Plant roses in container
6. Change furnace filter

Sing it, Satch

OK! Yesterday sucked! (We had a visit with Z's bio family and met the second cousin who now wants to adopt her!) This morning sucked! (I am so tired and having a hard time with my resolution to break my caffeine addiction!)

I need to turn it around! So we are going to accentuate the positive with a nice little list. Lists always make me happy, unless they are lists of all the brain-numbing tasks I have to do. Maybe after I make the happy list I will have the courage to make the crappy list.

1. I have legal insurance! Yay! Gonna be using that.
2. I have not had a diet soda since Saturday. Go me!
3. K says, "I love you, Mom!" He also speaks in complex sentences! 6 months ago he could only say "no" and "Mommy" and "unh!"
4. S says thank you when I get him food!
5. Cub Scouts is tonight, and I have all the patches sewn on the shirt!
6. Last night I got everyone to agree we are playing too much Wii!
7. Oranges+California+Wintertime=happy!
8. Sleeping for 10 hours Monday night means I don't feel as bad as I maybe might after my intermittent 5 hours or so last night (Z had some yucky uncomfy gas)!
9. I am not sick! Thanks to Airborne I have not really been sick all winter!
10. I dropped a wad at Costco and now do not really have to worry about what to fix for dinner for a while!
11. Trader Joe's Pound Plus Dark Chocolate! Hey, it's antioxidants!
12. I cleaned off the kitchen counter!
13. I shaved my legs and pits for the first time in three (count 'em, three) weeks!
14. My hair is getting long!
15. I am still driving my dream minivan!
16. I got an MP3 player for Christmas!
17. My husband is the best one!
18. I have amazing girlfriends!
19. My candidate is doing great so far!
20. I got to #20 and it only seems a little bit like I am trying too hard! Right?

Popeye baby

How to get spinach into a one year old following the example of her older brothers and becoming a horrible pickypoo who only likes applesauce and crackers:

Spinach polenta

This makes a small batch.

1/2 c. yellow corn meal
1 1/2 c. water, divided
2 small cloves garlic, minced or pressed
salt and pepper
1/2 c. chopped spinach
1/8 c. grated parmesan
handful of pine nuts

In a small bowl, mix the corn meal with 1/2 c. water. Meanwhile, bring 1 c. water to boil with salt and garlic in a small saucepan.

Stir corn meal mixture into boiling water with wire whisk. Bring back to boil and reduce heat. Simmer, stirring, for 5 minutes. Stir in spinach and parmesan. Serve with pine nuts sprinkled on top.

We ate this with the red wine pot roast last night. Z approved heartily. I might have to make polenta again for her this weekend. It is so nice to have an appreciative audience.

Hasta never

I am not at all sad to bid farewell to 2007.

OK, yes, I got to go to Alaska and I got an awesome new kid (K) and there were many other good things. But this whole year was so tainted by the awfulness of a month without my baby that I am just really excited to be in 2008 and glad that time moves only forward.

This year I want 2 adoptions and a Ph.D. for G. I want a grownup job for him (a postdoc will count if it must) and a house of my own to paint and pretty up. If possible, I would like for that house to be in a lovely and affordable place where I will live until I am a very old lady and decide to retire to the south of France. Also, I want to go to Hawaii this year. And Disneyland.

I think if I wish for enough things I might get one or two. Don't you agree? The only non-negotiable item on my list is the adoptions.

I have not really made any resolutions for 2008, but one of our old friends has a Facebook group called Health Month that I will probably join. I like it that it doesn't start until Jan. 6, because let's face it, there is still an awful lot of chocolate to eat between now and then. My office mate made a thing called Tiger Butter that will surely kill me between now and Sunday. Then I won't have to swear off anything at all.

Warmup

After my last post, we suffered an HVAC breakdown. Specifically, the fan went out on our system, so that although the heater was running (and running and running), we weren't getting any of the heat. Our immediate area can probably thank us for a temperature increase of a couple of degrees Thursday and Friday.

We called the landlord and then used up the last of our clean-burning fire logs. No response from the landlord Thursday afternoon, so I called Friday morning and played the baby-with-the-flu card. She was a lot better by then, but it was still a useful card and I don't think it would have been good for her to live in a 59-degrees-fahrenheit house. That was our low temperature. Yes, I am grateful to live in California. It could have been a lot worse.

I skedaddled down to the temple Friday morning and the landlord sent a repair person while I was gone. By the time I came home we had made it back up to 67 degrees.

I still really wanted to warm up that night. So here is what I made for my mom and dad, who arrived in the afternoon. The original idea came from the Everyday Food "Great Food Fast" cookbook. Great cookbook ... you should get it. But of course I can't just leave a good recipe alone. I sort of doubled it ... sort of not. It turned out really well. Here is how I did it.

Pumpkin Enchiladas

1 rotisserie chicken (get the "smokehouse" or "BBQ" flavor if you can), deboned and chopped or shredded
6 scallions, sliced
salt and pepper

1 can (15 oz.) solid pack pumpkin (this is the smaller can size)
2 c. chicken broth
6 cloves garlic
2 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (it's pronounced chi-pot-LAY; I have to remember this or my mom says my brothers will mock me)

About 12 corn tortillas, warmed to soften
About 1 1/2 c shredded colby-jack cheese (or just jack would be fine)

Mix the shredded chicken, scallions, and salt and pepper to taste.

In a blender, puree the broth, garlic and peppers. Add the pumpkin to make a sauce.

(I have to say, this sauce was easy and fast, but lacked some flavor that I would wish for in a dish like this. Maybe this is my fault because I substituted the chi-pot-lays for what the cookbook asked for - chili powder. I just wanted the smokiness of them. Next time I am thinking of cooking the garlic with an onion and letting it caramelize - which would also add a bit more volume and body to the sauce - and maybe throwing in some cumin and coriander. I'm always a fan of those two. Maybe even a pinch of cloves. I just would like to see this dish a little darker and more complex. It was still good - don't get me wrong - I wouldn't post the recipe for you if it had been nasty. I just think it could improve.)

Heat oven to 425. Pour about 1 c. sauce in a 9x13" pan.

Wrap chicken mixture in tortillas and place in pan. Pour sauce on and top with cheese. Bake about 20 minutes.

It was spicy! We topped ours with dollops of Mountain High full-fat plain yogurt to cool them down a bit. Yummy, and all very good for you.

Our vacation so far

• 1 broken camera
• 1 Christmas Eve midnight trip to work to borrow a camera
  
• 1 Nintendo Wii
• 1 iPod Shuffle (for me) going back in favor of a more generic but versatile MP3 player
• 1 set of headphones (for G) - too big to use at the gym, oops!
  
• 2 cute little tricycles
• 1 soccer goal that occasionally draws the kids out away from the Wii - a really cool gift from A's birthmom
  
• 1 near-disaster involving the fireplace and 6 stockings
  
• 3 people with stomach bugs
• 2 people with respiratory flu
• 4 hours in Urgent Care
• 1 night of panic about the state of the house
  
• 1 fun family viewing of Ratatouille
  
• 1 social worker with bronchitis
• 2 cancelled foster/adoption related events today - a bio family visit and a home visit - WHEW!
• 9 million ants in the bathrooms, finally defeated by an application of the outdoor granules all around the house
  
• 1 request per day (at least) from K about when Grandma and Grandpa will arrive (the answer is tomorrow)
  

Santa is a woman

And her husband plays video games while she works her butt off putting together bikes and blowing up balloons.

That's all I have to say about that.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Melt in your mouth

In my hyperactive Christmas update post a couple of days ago, I mentioned my grandma's soft ginger cookies. I mixed up the dough tonight and it is being refrigerated until tomorrow. It really wouldn't be fair if I didn't share the recipe with you. This is an heirloom, folks, so treat it nicely.

Ana's Grandma's Soft Ginger Cookies
3/4 c butter, at room temperature
1 c sugar
1/4 c. molasses
2 eggs
2 c. all-purpose flour
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. cinnamom
1 tsp. ground ginger
1/4 tsp. salt
additional sugar

Cream butter and sugar. Add molasses and eggs. Beat well. Add flour, soda, spices and salt. Mix until dough is of uniform consistency. It will be quite soft. Chill for 2 hours.

Heat oven to 375 degrees. Scoop dough into 1 1/2-inch balls. Roll in sugar and place on ungreased cookie sheets. Leave room for them to flatten. Bake 10 minutes. Finished cookies are flat with a crackly surface. They really do stay soft and melt in your mouth!

Wordies united for rice

Play this. It's educational fun for a good cause. I can't get much above level 41/42, though. How about you?

Progress report

My kids are out of school for the holidays, and I really want to be home making cookies while they play idyllically beside the cozy but not dangerous fireplace. That vision would not be possible, even if I didn't have to work. So here's reality. It's not so bad.

We went to a work-related Christmas party last night and my big boys got to play, briefly, Wii boxing. A sneak preview, if you will. It went well. I think we chose the right gift, even at the exclusion of all others. Also at this party I karaoke'd "Someone to Love" by Queen. Someone told me it was not fair because I can actually sing and was not drunk. So is that how the rules go for karaoke? I didn't know. I had a hard time keeping up with the words for the first couple of verses but then I remembered how it went better. The party was a good one overall, even though the only drinks available were iced tea and wine. If you were Mormon, pregnant, or a child, you were relegated to taking your plastic cup out to the drinking fountain in the hallway. The food was catered by a local soul-food establishment, and ... yum. I think I literally had some of everything, from clams to coleslaw to pulled pork. Deeeeeee-licious, and today my pants are tight. I skipped my actual office party in favor of this one, since it was more kid-friendly.

All the shopping is done. All the cards are sent. All the packages are sent. I even stayed up late last night and finished almost all the wrapping. It cost me $1.25 in Diet Pepsi today, but that's not so bad. We (oh, who am I kidding, I) have to assemble a tricycle for K and a ride-on toy for Z, and then the gifts will be all taken care of. That's a good feeling.

The decor is all up - has been for a while. I mostly used the Thanksgiving break to take care of that this year, and it worked out well. There was a period where I still had the sunflowers on the front door instead of the red berry wreath, but I eventually got it taken care of. I need a good idea for displaying the kids' Christmas art work. I have saved quite a bit the last few years. Odd sizes and lots of glitter. I am thinking of some kind of gallery in our entry hall, but I want it to look cute and may I say, I have no budget. None. Who's creative enough to help me with this?

I need to bake. It's some kind of compulsion. I had big plans to stick with making whole wheat bread in small gifty sizes with pretty bows. It would be cheap, it would help me rotate my food storage, and it would be a nice contrast to all the junk food at this time of year. But then I found this cute thing and some recipes I really want to make. Brownie biscotti! For real, how could I not try that? And then I got thinking about my grandma's amazing recipe for soft ginger cookies and how I haven't made those in a while ... and how easy would it be just to add some cranberry-oatmeal bar cookies with vanilla buttercream, and make a cute little treat plate for my friends? I still have almost a week to do it!

Sally and family are coming down Saturday and we are going to go see National Treasure 2 and have pizza. Now that's a good Christmas party!

For Christmas Eve I am going to make won-tons. It's kind of a tribute to the Chinese Christmas dinner in A Christmas Story.

Christmas dinner, which we do mid-afternoon on Christmas Day, is gonna be pretty simple. I am thinking ham, scalloped potatoes, green beans and rolls (scroll down for the recipe), and then of course a steamed pudding. Since it will just be our little family I don't even have to triple the roll recipe like I did for Thanksgiving.

My parents are coming to celebrate the New Year with us. We are going to be hoping for not too much rain for those few days, and possibly driving around NorCal a bit to visit some museums and stuff. I am really looking forward to this!

Died and gone to heaven

Someone I know said today that her daughter was in heaven. It was a little alarming until we realized she was talking about how excited this girl is about Christmas.

Well, we had a little heaven here at our house last night. It was basically about slow-cooked beef in red wine.

Pot roast with red wine, Yorkshire pudding and rich gravy

3 lb. chuck roast
1-2 tsp olive oil
salt and pepper
2 c. red wine

1 c. flour
1 c. milk
2 large eggs
1/2 tsp. salt

1 c. water
1 tbsp. corn starch

Season roast with salt and pepper. Brown in olive oil over medium heat in a large pan. Pour in 2 c. wine. Boil until you are satisfied you have boiled off enough alcohol. Somebody somewhere online had a formula for this, but I am disremembering it on purpose.

Cover pan and transfer to 325-degree oven . Roast about 3 hours, turning once halfway through cooking, if you remember, if you're not in Sunday School at that point. (3 hours = ideal cooking time for a Mormon Sunday dinner. Church takes that long, and we are lucky enough to live only moments away from the chapel.)

Take out the meat and remove it from the pan let it rest. Turn up the oven to 450 degrees.

Spoon 2 tbsp. drippings from the roasting pan into a 9x9-inch baking pan and place into oven. Beat milk, flour, eggs and salt together with a wire whisk. Pour into baking pan. Bake in 450-degree oven 18-23 minutes. It will puff up, then deflate after you take it from the oven.

While the Yorkshire pudding is cooking, carve your roast. Then heat remaining drippings to boiling. In a tightly covered container, shake together the water and cornstarch. (A sippy cup works great if you hold your finger over the spout. Just a tip from my world.) Pour slowly into drippings while stirring. Cook over medium heat until thickened.

Tender meat, hot Yorkshire pudding, tasty gravy ... It's the Platonic ideal of Sunday dinner. Also, it's relatively cheap, and though it takes some time, it's anything but difficult. Peas on the side make it complete.

How can you have any pudding?

I may have mentioned before that my family, with pretty English roots on both sides (ok, a little Scottish, a little Danish, a little mutt-ish mixed in here and there) has pudding at Christmas. Thanksgiving, too. If there were more good winter holidays we would probably have it more.

Specifically, we have carrot pudding. I somehow managed to squirrel away my mom's actual recipe card, which I tried to scan for you tonight. To me it is so evocative, with my mom's handwriting in three different ballpoint pen colors, and some grease stains, and some vanilla spilled on one edge. I ran into technical difficulties. But I was going to type the recipe anyway.

If you don't have a pudding mold, you can do this in a large coffee can (dry-pack food storage can, for my fellow Mormons) or in a large Pyrex bowl covered with foil and secured with string. I highly recommend a mold, though. It's half the fun. I got mine from Williams-Sonoma, which means it cost an unholy fortune. But, you know, it's my heritage and stuff.

Anyway I don't see them at W-S now. Try here instead, or use your own Google skills, or haunt your local Deseret Industries or other thrift store.

The perfect pot to steam this in is a large water-bath pot made for canning, with the rack to hold the jars. It does a great job holding the pudding mold (or coffee can) steady, so it doesn't rattle around so much. That, I obtained from my mom's very mad D.I. treasure-hunting skills. I don't use it for canning, but I do use it for pudding.

If you see a pudding mold at the D.I. (or Salvation Army or wherever you go treasure hunting) I am interested. I could imagine myself with a collection. Wouldn't G have a fit!?

Carrot Pudding

1 c. grated carrots
3 eggs
1 c. vegetable oil
3 c. flour (I like to use half white and half wheat)
1 c. molasses
1 c. unsweetened applesauce
1/2 c. sugar
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. allspice
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 c. raisins
1 c. chopped walnuts

Beat eggs. Add oil, molasses, sugar, applesauce and carrots. Add dry ingredients. Pour in greased and sugared mold and steam 3 hours.

Hard sauce
1/2 c. butter
3 tbsp. flour
2 c. water
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. rum extract

In medium saucepan, melt butter. Stir in flour with a wire whisk. Add remaining ingredients. Bring to boil and cook, stirring constantly, until thick. Serve hot over steamed pudding.

Notes:
My mom's recipe card says: "TRY THIS: Cut oil 1/2 c. and sub. butter. Add extra 1/2 c. applesauce!" I never do it.
We don't slice our pudding. We scoop it with a big serving spoon. We also like some whipped cream on top of the hard sauce. It's holiday food.
Carrot pudding makes an outstanding breakfast.

After typing this, I am almost ready to take on another big holiday dinner ...

However, after a little googling, I am sorely tempted to have this pudding instead. Caramelized apples ... holy yummy!

Gnomes or a black hole?

One of those things is in my house swallowing the following:

- two brown extension cords
- several tiny screwdrivers
- one brown Born pump
- one pink butterfly baby slipper
- several ballpoint pens
- a laptop power cord
- two fleece jackets
- all my common sense

I suspect gnomes because they apparently have also been eating the insides of our 2 DVD players for dinner. Black holes don't do that.

If I were more motivated I would make this into a 12 Days of Christmas knockoff for you. Sorry. I'm feeling a little too crazy to be motivated.

A Martha moment

I know we're way past this. It's Christmas. Move on already.

My Chinese guests from Thanksgiving just sent me this snapshot of my centerpiece, of which I was very proud. So let's just take a thankful moment for the happy coincidence of supplies that allowed me to do this on the cheap. Because that's how I like to do these things.

• some previously used floral foam from a university event
• the brass tray that I usually don't know what to do with because it's engraved for the 5oth wedding anniversary of G's late grandparents and it just seems like a creepy way to serve hors d'oeuvres or something
• a bounteous yard of zinnias, berries and greenery
• a pretty white pumpkin
• $10 of Green Tea roses from Raley's

I was just so proud of myself!

Like and alike

I have been thinking lately about the peculiar joy of recognition. By that, I mean the moment or even the slow-growing time when you realize that you have found someone with whom you have something, or even a lot of things, in common. It is so delightful. When I find someone who has a little rainbow family like mine, who reads as voraciously as I do, who is as obsessed as I am with food, who went to BYU at the same time I did, who uses the same kick-butt roll recipe I do for the holidays ... it's an incomparable delight. I savor and rejoice in tying those connections.

Even when it's a bond with someone I never thought was much like me at all, like Z's biological mom, the discovery of a personal similarity can be a beautiful reminder that what I sometimes think of as my accomplishments are really more blessings from heaven, and that we really are all God's children way down deep, wanting and needing the same things, just given different challenges and abilities.

Of course, this joy has its opposite. I find one of the most difficult things for me is when someone I thought was so like me turns out not to be so like me, after all. Sometimes it's a shallow and harmless shock, like when I discovered my office mate hated Napoleon Dynamite. Sometimes it's a reaction that reminds me I am neither so kind nor so mature as I would like to think, like when someone who was supposed to be infertile (like me) has a surprise pregnancy. Sometimes it rocks me to the core, like when someone I admire or love turns away from the faith we previously had in common.

It's no secret among those who know me that there are several people in my family who no longer participate in the LDS Church. Over the past few years this has caused me to search, to mourn, to envy, to question where I stand. Sometimes it has led me to judgment and anger. Of course, I'm not very proud of that, when I stand back and look at it. But at the bottom of it all is this visceral hurt that goes something like this: "I thought we were alike, but now I see that we're not."

This is probably no big revelation to anybody but me, but that's not a particularly healthy or productive place to hang out. We stay there, and the rifts grow wider. We start to wonder if the breaking of one tie amounts to a total personal rejection. We pick at the scabs where maybe one or two of our ties to those people have pulled away, and we never start to feel better.

A few days ago one of my brothers became a daddy for the first time. Joy. Recognition. Connection - even across many miles. It has made me realize how much sweeter and even easier it is (once I start) to keep building bonds instead of nursing the empty spots where I found out we were not the same.

So there are people I love whose personal foundations I can't take for granted anymore. I should let myself have the happiness of seeing the treasures they really are, instead of sulking about my broken Lusterware family.

So that's my new resolution. It's really just a long, drawn-out way of saying I'm going to try to be more positive. That's the way I like to say things.

If peace and joy got in a fight, which one would win?

You're getting a sneak preview of our Christmas card picture, you lucky blog readers.

I finally realized that the likelihood of getting all four children bathed, dressed and sitting still for a picture was slim to none. Went for the separate headshots. I'm liking the effect.

How about you?

And as for the clever caption, well, you know, they do pay me for my skill at that.

I never thought this day would come

But last night, instead of catching up on House online, I watched Ugly Betty on DVD.

I am exceedingly disappointed with House this season. The only good thing was Cole, aka Big Love, and now he's gone. Are there new writers who really think it's clever, controversial or sexy if House says anatomical terms for major reproductive organs of both sexes in one show? Are they just out of ideas, so they're pulling out the gimmicks, like the whole reality-show thing, and the CIA and the documentary? I don't have time to research this, so I just stop watching.

Ugly Betty, on the other hand, I am loving. Of course I am only halfway through season 1 at this point.

Late to another party, big fat deal.

Shameful

Not to be ignored today.

Post 600: I am the luckiest

It's my 600th post on Watch Out for Mama!

Today I am grateful for the scary but safe birth of a new baby in my extended family. So it's time for some totals. I have:

1 amazing-in-every-way husband
2 practically perfect parents
2 kind and loving parents in law
2 super-cute grand-nieces (does that make me sound old?)
3 sweet nieces and nephews on my side - the new total!
3 living grandparents - how lucky is that when you're 33?
4 precious children in my home
4 (so far) ideal partners for my siblings who fit right into the whole crazy fam
5 smart, good-looking, talented and funny siblings
8 siblings and spouses on G's side
13 fun nieces and nephews on G's side - ages 3 to 20-something - counting spouses for the 2 who are married
13 aunts and uncles who remember all my ages and stages, from cute to awkward to whatever I am now
26 cousins with whom I can share memories and future reunions ... and I'm not even counting their spouses and kids!

How is that for counting your blessings?

Bad mommy!

It isn't right to read your child's diary, even if he is only six. But Abe has been practicing his writing. Oh, I love first graders!

Oct. 22
I can hlpe my prinses her Name is Z she is 11 muns
tue bays ago she bit me and she wus smiyling at me.

(She has been known to do this. I like how he calls her his princess.)

oct 23
this is wut my dad ses
my name is k and I hav a story and hers how it gos, "UH!"

(Obviously before K's current verbal explosion - he says a lot more than "UH!" these days but that used to be pretty much it!)

Remember this?

We got ourselves some Hubba Bubba at Target and on the way home I was telling the kids about this commercial. Ah, memories!

Turnaround

Today I have panicked, cried, yelled, run, driven like a bat out of hell, schmoozed, scurried, spammed (almost), stuffed, and finally ... downed a double chocolate blended creme, grande, with whipped cream.

After that last one I feel a lot better.

It's only 2 p.m. And it's Z's first birthday. Here's hoping I can get my act together and have a lot smoother rest of the day. It's just gonna be cake (grocery store cake - that's how busy I am feeling) at home with the fam, and Princess Pudge pulling her first babydoll out of a gift bag. No biggie. I can't believe it's been a whole year!

Time for a winter pedicure

From A:

"You're real pretty on top, but your feet are sure ugly."

Out of the kindness of my heart, no picture to accompany this one.

A holiday gripe

From S:

"I just hate it when people hang up mistletoe. I have to do everything secret-agent style."

You can just picture it, can't you?

I must just look like I need help

We are getting a surprise food order from the Church. Unsolicited, unexpected and also un-planned-for. I'm grateful; it's very nice; I know it's not that anybody's trying to insult us or anything. They want to be supportive of the grad student family with foster kids. I get that.

I am just stressing out about where to put it all. Fortunately I found someone to keep the turkey in their deep-freeze for me, because I don't have one, and I already have two turkeys that I got for free from the grocery store promotion that's been running for the last few weeks.

Also, I'm wondering if there will be stuff in there that we just don't eat - cream of mushroom soup and brown-n-serve rolls and frozen pies and stuff. The food bank may be getting some of it.

This has happened to us once before, at Christmas, when S was two and A was a baby and I was all kinds of seasonal-affective crazy. Worst winter of my life. That time, it offended me a little. This time, I am trying hard to suppress my "we-are-not-poor" reaction and just be gracious for once in my life. Can I do it?

Making the grade

I'm just a blogging fool today. I can't shut up.

So sweet 6 year old A left his notebook in my purse.

I presume it was there for sacrament meeting entertainment. I finally buckled down and told my kids they can only have a notebook and a pen during church - no toys. Who needs 'em? They have a great time creating stick figure wars on their notebooks during the meeting.

The tricky part is turning down the volume on the sound effects. If you have a boy or if you have ever been or known a boy, you know what I mean. I hate to do gender stereotyping but it is my experience that girls do not have the sound effects gene. If you would like to contradict this, feel free.

Back to my point. A has some very cute drawings in his notebook. 6-year-old art is always fantastic. But there was a different part that I really liked.

He graded himself on every page. And every grade was 100%. Even on the personal essay that described how much he liked his cat, because it was warm. We have no cat. But fiction can still get a 100%.

My very favorite? The page that said "100% Mom did this." Like I gave the grade.

I think we have a politician on our hands, folks. Or maybe a PR genius.

What would you give yourself 100% for? That is a hard question for grownups. I like how little kids are not so hard on themselves.

Change is inevitable

I was released this weekend from the Young Women's organization in our ward. I knew this was coming and am relieved in many ways, but I am also surprised at how much of my identity I got tangled up in that calling. I was also really touched at the notes I got from "my" girls. I have always felt like I haven't done enough in this job - no, I've known it. But I think the little I do accomplish has touched some hearts, and that's very gratifying to hear. It has been emotional. I really did not want to walk out of the Young Women's room yesterday. It felt really strange. But I also know it really was time for a change.

When I was barely 15 and getting ready to move to Alaska with my family, a friend wrote in my yearbook, "change is inevitable and important." We get what we need at the times when we need it. I do believe this is true, even if it's sometimes hard to process.

Next up for me: Sunbeams. Or more accurately, the combined class of 3, 4 and 5 year olds. This should be fun. K will be in the class come January. They are all cute kiddies. And it doesn't require any Tuesday nights or Saturday jaunts to dances in Modesto. Just a little lesson every week, and play-doh and the hokey-pokey. I think it is going to be a much less flashy way to serve, so to speak. I can really just do it for the right reasons ... I hope! I really am excited!

Fashionably

Late, but in case you are even later than I am, here are some media-type things I've been enjoying. I am getting most of my book ideas lately from Lucy. You've probably already read her reviews, so I'll be brief.

• Possession, a Romance by A.S. Byatt. This was the best crafted book I have read in years. It may not quite grab you at first, and it definitely doesn't qualify as a fast or easy read, but if you hang in there you will be rewarded! Plot teaser: Two nerdy lit types in the 1980s search for history on two nerdy lit types from the 1850s ...
  
• The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. Funny and touching ... another nicely structured book where different stories come together in surprising ways. Plot teaser: Adorable old-man Holocaust survivor and angsty teenage girl seem to lead entirely separate lives ...
• Number the Stars by Lois Lowry. I needed a fast read after Posession. This was a charming and meaningful one about how Danish people aided the Jews of their country during World War II. Can't wait to read it to the kids. Made me proud to be part Dane.
  
• Amazing Grace (film). Just ... loved it. Period drama, heartfelt romance, social justice, Christian themes ... could there be a better combination? I kept hearing things and thinking, "Oh, that's a phrase I want to remember." Like, "Are you going to use your voice to praise God or to change the world?" Go, watch.
  
• NumbThumb. I'm not a member yet. But before Christmas, I will be. There is going to be a big present at our house that starts with "W" and ends with "ii."And if you think I am shelling out $50 for every game you really don't know me at all.

Jiggity jig

As in, home again, home again ...

So, I almost forgot about this, but traveling for business is not really fun. Boring and lonely is more like what it is.

I had a nice dinner at the West Restaurant at the Hotel Angeleno. It used to be a Holiday Inn. When the crazy Ethiopian cab driver told me that, I almost thought he was taking me to the wrong place, because I knew it was supposed to be a nice place and I thought those could not both be true. But they were. It was very nice. I had yummy salad and roasted chicken and teeny tiny potatoes.

Crazy cab driver asked where I was from (Utah, basically) and had lots of questions about Mormonism. Here's hoping I disabused him of some false notions. He was a big fan of the Word of Wisdom. You will see why in a minute.

He also told me about a natural living guru, last name Noel. I can't remember the first name. He was sure that following this guy's prescriptions would cure our infertility. Yah, like I said, kinda crazy. I did want to look him up, though, just because I am curious about craziness. Anybody got a cue on that for me?

And he showed me his adorable 2 year old daughter on his cell phone. So cute! And proceeded to tell me he does not vaccinate and would not stop talking about being anti-vaccination. Now, I respect people's decisions about their kids. But I think a cab driver or other service professional probably should not harp on customers about such an issue. Would you agree?

It's kind of sad when you go to an exciting city like LA and the most interesting part of the trip is your taxi ride.

On the death of a friend

Some random thoughts provoked by the funeral I attended yesterday. Because I just can't get going on work stuff until I set them down.

Occasionally (like yesterday before I went to the funeral) I want to make myself sound like a real musician or even a music snob. I am not. I am more like my friend, who turned down a full ride to Juilliard (which I can never spell) to marry her wonderful husband, a mechanic.

She was only 3 years older than my mom. I want to be with my mom more.

She was a working-outside-the-home mom. I want to be with my kids more.

She visited with the Relief Society presidency 4 years ago when I was brand new here. Noticing the piano in my house and prying out of me that I sing ... calling the ward music chairperson to tell her she had to get me to sing in Sacrament Meeting ... telling me that she would play for me any time, like I was so special and talented ... she made my place here for me, almost singlehandedly.

As an adult she found her birthfamily and a whole new network of people to love and feed and play jokes on. It filled a gap in her life. She was generous enough to talk about it with me. I need to write to my kids' birthmoms.

She had the guts at age 45 to leave behind what she had previously known and embrace a new faith. I admire and respect that so deeply. I'm both heartbroken and furious that there are those who disdain such a brave and faithful choice.

She freely confessed to having a problem being too quick to anger. She was just one of those people with little patience for incompetence or stupidity. And yet she testified before she went that she was never angry about the illness that took her. Just sad that she wouldn't be there for her grandkids as they grew up. Oh, watching those grandkids yesterday ...

She was amazing with young people. Every week we came into the Young Women room to find the remains of her Sunday School treats ... and we are not talking about Dum Dum pops here. It was coffee cake and muffins and tarts and chocolate. I need to show my love more fully. I never cried all weekend until yesterday when I hugged one of my Mia Maids and she broke down in my arms.

I still think cancer is like a black widow spider.

'Tis the season

Satsuma mandarins are in the store, fog shrouds us in the mornings, and the Christmas music has begun.

It's all Messiah so far -- I have to sing along and practice because of the stake choir project. My diaphragm is getting a good workout. Anyway, I like the new(ish - it's from last year) recording of Messiah by the Japan Bach Consortium. It sounds like a mandarin orange, light and sweet!

I did also break down this weekend and go searching on Rhapsody for a nice recording of Berlioz' L'Enfance du Christ. I discovered this haphazardly when a music store in Salt Lake was shutting down and giving away all its single-copy choral music for free. I got a copy of "The Shepherds' Farewell to the Holy Family" in translation. I don't know when I've heard a lovelier melody, and I halfway want to direct a ward choir again so I can do it for Christmas. In my search for a recording, I am as yet unsatisfied. Anybody?

Is the Christmas music on at your house yet? Have you bought a box of satsumas?

Would you?

Would you go to LA overnight on a week's notice for a work-related meeting, leaving your long-suffering husband alone with four little wild things?

It doesn't seem altogether kind to him, but on the other hand, I've been the one left at home plenty of times. And a night in a hotel seems awfully appealing.

Plus, potentially a good chance to earn back brownie points lost earlier this year in the midst of crises and upheavals.

I haven't heard G's input yet. I'm sure that will make the difference. But on my own, I am kind of leaning toward yes, as crazy as that sounds.

I knew

For all my protesting that faith isn't about knowing the future - and I really believe it isn't - I do believe that sometimes God speaks to us about the future. Sometimes it's in a dream or a dramatic revelation. Sometimes it's just what we know if we really look into the depths of our hearts. Some people describe this as intuition or being in tune with the universe or whatever. To me, it's God saying, "I'm not ignoring you, hold onto this and see what I have in store."

Sometimes it's confusing - so far out of our realm of understanding, we don't know what to do with it, like when I mistakenly thought I was pregnant the same month Z was conceived. I was so devastated that that feeling was not about what I thought it was about. But if we wait, the understanding comes eventually.

From the beginning I felt that Z's story would be a rocky road, but a road with a happy ending. Up until she left, I always sort of knew she would go. After she came back, I have consistently felt that she will not be leaving again. It is looking more and more like that feeling is right.

Some people might wonder why God would care a whit about my little family-building woes. I'm obviously fine, not starving, not in danger, not abused or hurt in any way. Why does he allow the horrible for some, while my family enjoys good, even great blessings?

I might as well ask why he allows me to experience infertility and slog through the foster care system, while other people get to have homemade babies and spend their money and time on other things. My job is to find him in my life. For someone else, it might be a harder job, or it might be a better job, better tailored for them individually. I think God cares about us and guides us within our individual circumstances. I am not convinced that all those circumstances are his doing, but I think some might be. I think mine are.

I know that he loves his children. I know the good things in my life come from him.

Direct quote

From me:

"Fortunately I have a pretty good set of personal issues that occupy all my emotional space, so I don't really get all that upset about work."

My new favorite number

It's 36.

I'm still only 33. Only!

But 36 is the case code for adoptions. Also the new number on Z's file. S did not show at the last court date and the judge (finally!) said enough.

There has been stuff going on with S that I have not been comfortable posting about. Now that I know her, I speculate and share less about her. That's a good thing. But it also means you will have to trust me when I say there are some credible reasons to believe that she will not stay clean long term and is not equipped to parent Z.

Termination of S's parental rights is tentative for February, if I understand correctly. I know how sad this is. I do, I really do. I have said goodbye and never expected to see Z again. I know how much that sucks. I just can't feel it right now. I hope I can be forgiven for that.

Anybody got a WOOT!?

Your sweet voice

Do you have a sweet voice? I do. It is reserved for use with babies, old people (even Nobel Prize-winning scientists) and, oddly, I realized today, female business contacts whom I don't know well.

I noticed this just now when leaving a message for the grizzled city editor at the local paper. No sweet voice for him.

Party kids

I had a post typed this morning about how crappy I felt and how little I wanted to blog. Blogger wouldn't let me post it. Do you smell a rat?

OK, well now that I have uploaded and looked at these cuties, I feel better.*

Plus, cute kid pictures save me from having to think of a blog post.

These were all from the stake Trunk-or-Treat party last night.

As always, pics of the littlest two were up for a limited time only. Sorry if you missed them. Email me if you want, and if I know you are not a creep I will send them to you.





This one you have to be stealthy if you want to get his picture!

*Advil LiquiGels have done their part to improve my mood. I love those way more than candy. But that might just be because of the sheer overwhelming volume of candy I have had in the last 24 hours.