I knew

For all my protesting that faith isn't about knowing the future - and I really believe it isn't - I do believe that sometimes God speaks to us about the future. Sometimes it's in a dream or a dramatic revelation. Sometimes it's just what we know if we really look into the depths of our hearts. Some people describe this as intuition or being in tune with the universe or whatever. To me, it's God saying, "I'm not ignoring you, hold onto this and see what I have in store."

Sometimes it's confusing - so far out of our realm of understanding, we don't know what to do with it, like when I mistakenly thought I was pregnant the same month Z was conceived. I was so devastated that that feeling was not about what I thought it was about. But if we wait, the understanding comes eventually.

From the beginning I felt that Z's story would be a rocky road, but a road with a happy ending. Up until she left, I always sort of knew she would go. After she came back, I have consistently felt that she will not be leaving again. It is looking more and more like that feeling is right.

Some people might wonder why God would care a whit about my little family-building woes. I'm obviously fine, not starving, not in danger, not abused or hurt in any way. Why does he allow the horrible for some, while my family enjoys good, even great blessings?

I might as well ask why he allows me to experience infertility and slog through the foster care system, while other people get to have homemade babies and spend their money and time on other things. My job is to find him in my life. For someone else, it might be a harder job, or it might be a better job, better tailored for them individually. I think God cares about us and guides us within our individual circumstances. I am not convinced that all those circumstances are his doing, but I think some might be. I think mine are.

I know that he loves his children. I know the good things in my life come from him.